


Returning to Reality

by KrisLetang



Series: Demons [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Anger, Anxiety, Doctors, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fear, Feels, Fist Fighting, Healing, Hospital, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Injury, Overprotective Rafael, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Rafael is a babe, Sickness, Smut, Sorry I'm so Mean, Surgery, mentions of past rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-02-27 17:35:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13253211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: After a whirlwind couple of weeks, you and Rafael must return to New York where some bad news awaits. Will the two of you be able to face your demons from the past or will you let them consume you?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the third part of this series. Once more it really got away from me, but hey what can I say. As always I adore your feedback so if you'd like, leave me feedback. Thanks to everyone who has read my work so far and continues to give me some of your time. Enjoy!

Everything felt warm and heavy, a hot arm wrapped around your waist. You reveled in the feeling of his skin against yours. You wanted to lay there forever. Beep beep beep, you groaned audibly, rolling over and smacking the snooze button. Rafael’s arms tightened around you, “No, don’t leave yet,” he breathed against your neck, his voice barely a mumble. You were so tempted to shut your eyes again and get ten more minutes in his embrace, but if you didn’t get in the shower now, both of you would be late. 

“Rafi, I have to get in the shower,” you whispered, but he still wasn’t letting go, 

“You can get in with me,” he offered. You laughed softly, 

“Then we definitely would be late,” he finally relinquished his grip, and you leaned down for a kiss that landed more on his cheek than his lips, but oh well. 

The water in the shower was warm, washing over your skin and loosening up your muscles. The winter air was freezing, so you were never more grateful for the incredibly warm temperature that Rafael kept his apartment at. You kept your shower quick, soaping your hair and shaving quick before drying off. A brief glance at the clock told you there was about fifteen minutes before Rafael needed to be in the bathroom. This was the first time you had stayed over the night before you both had to be at work bright and early, and it was definitely turning out to be interesting to work both your morning routines in. You had finished your hair but only just started your makeup when Rafael came in. He kissed the back of your neck before starting the shower and getting in. You quickly finished getting ready, heading back to his bedroom to get dressed for work. You swore softly when you realized you left your contacts at home. You’d have to wear glasses today. You slipped into your grey skirt and purple button down, leaving the blazer sitting on the bed to grab later. “Mmm, don’t you look pretty,” you jumped slightly, you hadn’t noticed Rafael standing at the door. 

“Geez, you scared me,” you breathed, heading to the closet to find your heels. He came in with his cup of coffee to sit on the bed, “How long were you standing there?” 

“Not too long,” he said softly. Finally you were fully dressed and worrying about your jewelry while Rafael slipped into his three piece suit. 

“I swear to god, if you are wearing the same color as me, Sonny is gonna have a cow,” you called as you headed out for your own coffee. Rafael’s laugh followed you down the hallway, 

“Don’t worry, I’m wearing blue today,” he appeared in the kitchen a few minutes later, hair still a colossal mess. “Sometime we should coordinate for court, that would be cute,” he teased, laughing when you snorted. He finished pouring himself another cup of coffee before turning towards you, “Wanna help me with my cufflinks,” you took one from his hand, snapping it into place and repeated it on the other side. “Thanks,” he murmured, kissing your cheek before going to style his hair in the bathroom. You sat down at the island, enjoying your coffee and waiting for him. Rafael didn’t take much longer and finally the two of you were leaving the apartment, fully dressed and ready for your first day back at work. Rafael couldn’t seem to keep his hands off you, one arm draped over your shoulders in the cab, and then lacing your fingers together on the way into Starbucks. 

“What do you have today babe?” you asked softly, turning to him in line. He was sliding your ring around on your finger, 

“I have a meeting with the DA in an hour, and then I was thinking we could go for lunch later. Mostly today is just paper work for me,” Rafael was smiling, “How about you?” 

“Not much this morning, I think I have a motions hearing at 2. Lunch sounds perfect,” you replied. You were about to say more, but it was your turn to order, “Pumpkin Spice latte, Venti please,” you said, pulling out your wallet, 

“Oh no, no, no you don’t,” your boyfriend interjected, “Add a Venti dark roast to that, three cream, four sugar,” Rafael was quickly pulling out his wallet and stepping in front of you, 

“Rafi, come on, you paid for dinner last night,” you complained, “You could let me pay for something now and then,” 

“Nonsense, my mother raised me right, and besides, I like paying for you,” he whispered, taking his card back from the cashier and following you over to a table to wait for your drinks. Rafael sat close to you, his lips brushing over your jaw and his arm around your waist. 

“You better get all of that out of your system now Rafael, we aren’t on vacation anymore,” you reminded him, turning to straighten his collar. You felt him smile against your cheek, laughing softly, 

“I know, that’s why I’m enjoying myself now,” he teased, “You look so pretty Y/N, everytime I see my ring on your finger, all my breath goes away,” 

“Oh stop that,” you whispered, but you let him hold your hand and lean his head against yours. You smiled when he gently ran his thumb over your knuckles. 

“I miss Hawaii, where I could hold you all morning in my arms and kiss you when I wanted. This is going to be harder than I thought,” Rafael’s voice was quiet, his hand now running over your back, “I just want to tell everyone,” he whispered. 

“Well if you can get a grip on yourself, maybe tonight I’ll have an extra special surprise for you,” you offered. Rafael smiled even bigger, laughing softly, 

“I’ll behave, I promise,” he murmured. You were about to make a crack comment when the Barista called his name. He handed you your coffee, leading the way out the door. You bumped his shoulder, smirking when he looked over, 

“You’re just sick of Turner looking at my ass all day, but you have nothing to worry about with this big ring on my finger. I might have to put a ring on yours, keep all of those women off you,” you teased. Rafael shook his head, taking a big sip of coffee, 

“You should really report him for that,” he grumbled. 

“Oh, he’s harmless Rafi, I don’t care. I don’t need to make a big deal about anything like that,” you were trying to be reassuring, but it fell flat all things being considered. He looked away. You knew that deep down it bothered him that Casey Mitchell was still roaming the streets, completely free to do as he pleased while you suffered and dealt with the aftermath of what had happened. His green eyes were dark, and his grip on his briefcase was tight. You bumped his shoulder again, and he gave you a weak smile, but was quiet for the rest of the walk to the office. You wordlessly headed to your office, feeling a bit dejected. You shouldn’t have even brought it up, you knew it upset him. You sat down at your desk shutting your eyes and sighing loudly. Hopefully you hadn’t just ruined his whole day. You tried to start on some paper work, but you really wanted nothing more than to go into his office and apologize about it. A knock on the door startled you, and there he was, smiling gently, a little bag in his hand, “What-” 

“I’m sorry about earlier,” he interrupted, “I brought muffins. I thought we could eat breakfast before I leave for my meeting,” You stood up, sitting on the couch in the corner with him, picking at a muffin and sipping your coffee. You suddenly felt so unsure about everything again, not about Rafael, but about what you wanted. Would it really be so bad to confront Casey? It was too late though, it was far too late, and all the questions—no, that wasn’t a good idea. “You okay? I didn’t mean to upset you,” his voice was really gentle. You were pushing around your food, why did it still hurt—it shouldn’t still hurt. 

“I’ll get over it,” you finally replied, squeezing his hand so he knew you weren’t upset with him. You weren’t really all that hungry all the sudden, so you just sat back, wishing you could hide in one of Rafael’s tight embraces for hours. With such a small frame, you never would have guessed how powerful his hugs could be, but being enveloped in Rafael’s arms as he breathed gently against your neck was one of the most wonderful things you ever had experienced. Rafael could make anything feel better, even if it felt impossible, somehow he would manage to make it bearable. 

“I’m sorry,” he said again, scooting closer, but you put out a hand to stop him despite what you wanted, 

“We can’t Raf, not here,” you murmured, running a nervous hand through your hair. “Go on to your meeting, I’ll see you at lunch,” he put a hand on your arm, 

“Promise me you’re okay before I leave,” he whispered. You sighed softly, 

“I’m alright, I’ll see you at lunch or after your meeting,” you whispered. You let him lean down and press a soft kiss to your lips despite your concerns, 

“Call if you need me,” he added before disappearing out the door. You were okay, you really were….just a little on edge now. It was nothing burying yourself in paperwork wouldn’t fix. You were working quietly until your phone started to ring, 

“Hello?” You asked softly, fully expecting it to be Rafael checking in, 

“Y/N, what gives, who doesn’t answer their phone for two weeks?” A grin stretched across your face, 

“Sonny, hey, something you need? I was on vacation,” you replied, 

“Actually it’s kind of important, I’ve been trying to call you because Casey Mitchell requested a lateral from Brooklyn not long after you and Barba left on vacation and—” you didn’t hear anything Sonny said after that. Your world seemed to stop completely. You could barely breathe, your chest feeling tight. You didn’t even hear your assistant knocking on the door or talking to you until he was right beside you, 

“Ms. Y/L/N? Are you alright?” Jerome asked softly, but you couldn’t even get an answer out. “Mr. Cutter is here to see you,” 

“Y/N, hey,” Michael Cutter was looking down at his phone when he first came in, “I had some things to discuss—are you alright?” He looked up and was staring at you. You felt light headed and you were starting to hyperventilate, and you knew for a fact Rafael wasn’t anywhere in the building. “Hey, take a breath, here lean forward a bit,” they both were by your side trying to calm you down.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your reaction to the news that Casey Mitchell is now your boss, and your first interaction with him at the office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter. I hope you guys enjoy this one and thanks for all the feedback and comments. I really should be cleaning my room instead of posting this hahaha, but I'd rather do this. Better get back to that so I can watch tonight's SVU episode. Again thanks for reading!

Ring, ring, ring, “Hello, you’ve reached Y/N, please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible—”

He pressed the end call button a little more aggressively than necessary. Four phone calls, no answers, twenty minutes sitting there twiddling his thumbs and looking ridiculous as he waited for you to show up for your lunch date. Finally, he was fed up, standing and tossing a handful of bills down on the table to cover his drinks and the waiter's tip. If you didn’t want to meet him for lunch, fine. You didn’t want to answer his calls, fine. He would get food later when he wasn’t so irritated. He dialed your number one more time, this time leaving a message, “Look, I know I was kind of an ass this morning, but you could have called and told me you didn’t want to go to lunch or you couldn’t go to lunch or whatever instead of standing me up, I guess I’ll see you later,” he couldn’t help the annoyance that seeped into his tone. He walked briskly back to his office, dropping his jacket and briefcase off before pouring himself a cup of coffee. He had fifteen minutes left before he had to start working again. When he walked by your office on the way to the bathroom, he saw the door was closed which was odd. “Hey Jerome, where did Y/N go?” He asked turning to your assistant, 

“Oh, uh Mr. Cutter sent her home. She was upset about something, I’m not entirely sure,” the young man replied, obviously in the middle of trying to rearrange your schedule. Suddenly Rafael felt bad, he felt really, really bad. Had he upset you that much this morning? Regardless of that, obviously something was up and he probably hadn’t helped the problem one bit with the message he just left for you. He rushed back to his own office, pulling out his phone and dialing your number. It rang and rang and you still didn’t pick up, so he tried again, his concern growing with each passing moment. The anxiety in his gut was coiling tighter by the second. He grabbed his jacket, slipping it back on and grabbing his briefcase and files, turning out the light and locking the door to his office on the way out, 

“Carmen, forward all calls to my cell phone, I’m going to be home for the next few hours dealing with an emergency. I can probably come in if I’m needed,” he said on his way out the door. The can ride back to his own apartment felt like hours, seemingly getting stuck in every traffic jam possible. Finally, he was struggling to unlock the door and calling your name, “Y/N? Are you alright? Where are you darling?” But you weren’t anywhere to be found. He cursed at himself, heading back down to the street to catch another cab, this time to your apartment. Finally he was up to your door, and he knocked twice before trying the doorknob. He blanched slightly when he realized it was unlocked. Rafael carefully entered, softly calling your name, “Y/N? It’s me, Rafael,” It was dark, so he hit the lights on the way in, searching for you. He headed to your bedroom, and sure enough, there was a body sized lump on the bed, buried in blankets and the shades were all drawn, the room pitch black. “Cariño? What happened?” Nothing. No movement, no words, no reaction. For a moment, he thought you might be asleep, but as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he could see you were on your side, eyes open, but not moving. “Are you upset with me?” Again no response. “I’m going to sit down okay?” He watched you carefully as he headed around to his side of the bed, toeing his shoes off and sitting beside you. He was at a loss, what the hell was going on? His concern was growing by the moment. He wanted to turn the light on, but he also didn’t want to startle you. “I’m gonna turn on the light,” He wasn’t sure if you could even hear him or if you were ignoring him. He hit the light and took a second to look at you. You were curled up, facing away from him. The hem of his ratty tee shirt and your head was all that was poking out from under the blanket. Rafael wanted desperately to fix this, whatever it was, but he wasn’t sure what to do. “Y/N, is it okay if I touch you?” he asked softly, hoping that you would answer. He didn’t want to startle you and make it any worse than it already was, but it didn’t seem like an answer was coming. He carefully reached out, starting to try and move you around a bit. He gently pulled you closer so your head was resting in his lap, running his hand over your hair as he started to read a file. Rafael was going to sit there with you until you snapped out of this. He got a lot of paperwork done, but eventually his legs were starting to tingle, and he needed to stand up and move around. He headed to your kitchen to get a glass of water for you to drink, but he was unsuccessful at coaxing any sort of reaction from you. It had been hours since he had arrived, and who knows how long you had been home before that. He had enough. Rafael came over to the bed, gently shaking your shoulder, “Y/N, come on and snap out of this,” nothing. “If you don’t, I’m gonna have to call Liv or someone for help,” still nothing. His hand was shaking as he pulled out his phone, and it only rang twice, 

“Barba, how was your vacation?” Liv’s voice sounded happy over the phone line, 

“Good, good, uh, I kind of need some help,” he said softly, “As a friend,” 

“Of course, let me come over to your office and we can talk in private,” the rustling in the other end of the phone meant she had already stood up. He appreciated her eagerness to help, 

“I’m not at my office, just uh, shut your door,” he requested, trying to keep this under wraps as much as possible. 

“Okay, what’s up,” she asked after the door audibly clicked shut, 

“This conversation is hypothetical starting now. If I was currently with someone, a rape victim, and uh she is having some sort of nervous breakdown where she’s completely unresponsive, what do I do?” He knew he sounded like a convoluted mess, but he was on the verge of panic, 

“Okay, slow down a second, what do you mean by unresponsive?” Liv asked gently. 

“She’s just laying here, eyes open, staring off into space. Not answering anything, not moving, and don’t ask what set her off because I’m not sure,” Rafael had a moment of panic where he grabbed your wrist to check for a pulse. He let out a loud breath when he felt familiar pulsations under his fingers. 

“Ok, how long has this been going on?” 

“I’m not sure, a couple hours? I got here maybe 3 hours ago, but I don’t know,” he ran a nervous hand through his hair, starting to pace. 

“Has this ever happened before?” Liv asked gently. 

“No, I don’t know. She has anxiety and panic attacks, but I had a panic attack last week and I’m not—”

“Rafael, calm down, leave the room for a second, you aren’t helping right now,” he knew Liv was right, so he gently pulled the door shut, going to sit in the living room on the  
couch. He was breathing heavily, so he took a second to count his breaths until they slowed, 

“I’m sorry, I’m just worried,” he finally whispered. 

“Okay, I’m going to call a friend of mine, can you sit tight?” Rafael sat in the living room, clutching his phone until his knuckles were white as he waited for Liv to call back. It felt like an eternity where he was hunched over, shaking slightly. He needed to stay calm, you were probably fine. The second his phone began to buzz, it was up against his ear, “Okay, I called a psychologist I know who used to work on the squad, Dr. Huang,” 

“We’ve met before,” Rafael whispered, 

“He thinks she’s experiencing some sort of disassociation. I know you tried talking to her a bit, but he wants you to go in there and if you think she’d be okay with it, touch her. Whatever physical contact is possible, and just talk, tell her a story, something she knows. You’re trying to ground her,” Rafael was quick to follow instructions, heading into the room and sitting down beside you. He pulled you up into his arms gently and began to murmur by your ear. He told you about Hawaii and about the day you met, and he even told you about the wedding you were planning. A slight movement startled him, your body had just shaken in his arms and for a moment, he thought you might be having a seizure, but then a broken sounding sob escaped your lips and you were crying loudly. 

“Oh Y/N, you scared me,” he whispered against your hair, “It’s gonna be okay,” He rocked you back and forth, soothing your tears and promising to make everything better. It felt like an eternity before you finally were gasping in breaths. Rafael was fighting himself to keep in the questions that wanted to burst from his mouth. What the hell happened? Were you hurt? Were you okay? What could he do to help? After a few monuments of silence, he decided one question wouldn’t be so bad, “Mi amor, what can I do to help?” But you didn’t answer, instead leaning your head against his chest and tightening the death grip you had on his shirt. He wasn’t sure if he even wanted to know what had happened at this point. “Okay, it’s okay,” he murmured, hoping that it would be. 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

When your alarm went off, you still felt wiped out. Rafael grunted softly from beside you, but tightened his arms when you tried to get up, “Rafi, stop it,” you whispered, 

“Stay in bed, I’ll get a shower first,” he replied softly, “Get some extra sleep,” you smiled softly against his lips that landed messily on yours. 

“Thank you,” you leaned into the kiss he placed on the side of your neck, 

“And there will be no arguing when I buy you coffee later,” he added before actually dragging himself from your bed. You enjoyed the warmth of the covers, but once again an alarm pulled you from your sleep. Rafael was standing in your room, half naked when you opened up your eyes, “Are you sure you want to go to work today? You had a rough day yesterday,” he asked, pulling on his pants and tucking in his blue checkered dress shirt. You loved that shirt on him. 

“I’m not staying home, that will just make it worse,” you murmured, grabbing what you needed for your shower on the way to the bathroom. You and Rafael made it out the door a couple minutes early. On the way down the stairs, he grabbed your hand, 

“You still owe me a lunch date,” the teasing smile on his face made it clear he wasn’t serious. You were quiet, still not feeling quite yourself. You didn’t want to tell him that Casey Mitchell was now both of your bosses. He hadn’t pushed you the night before, instead just holding you and diligently making sure you ate and drank enough. “Y/N,” his voice startled you from your thoughts, 

“Sorry, what?” 

“She’ll have a latte, pumpkin spice, venti,” Rafael said rather than answering you again. You looked at him, a smile playing on your lips,

“And he’s gonna have a french vanilla latte, venti as well,” you said after just a moment. Rafael looked at you approvingly as he handed his card to the cashier, 

“How’d you know what I was thinking?” his question made you laugh. Unlike yourself, Rafael wasn’t very consistent in his coffee choices. He had more than one drink that he enjoyed, and somehow you had managed to guess correctly. 

“I have my ways,” you whispered, teasingly. His phone started to ring as you took a seat, 

“Hello?” He asked, standing up, “Yes sir, yes I’m aware. Yes I can,” you grabbed the coffees when your name was called, shoving them into a drink carrier so you could hold them until Rafael was done on his phone. He talked most of the way to the office, finally hanging up when you were right outside the door, “I have to go, I have a meeting with Cutter now,” he grumbled, shoving the iPhone back into his pocket and leaning in to kiss your cheek, “I’ll be back in an hour or two depending on traffic,” 

“Bye,” You whispered, walking into the building on your own and heading towards your office. Jerome talked you through your day, and you got right to work on preparing for the court appearance you and Rafael had in a few days. Your morning was passing quickly until a knock at the door startled you. You looked up and immediately stiffened; there he was leaning against the frame of the door just like…you forced yourself to take a breath, “Counselor Mitchell, something you needed?” Your voice came out steadier than you expected. 

“Now what did I tell you about calling me ‘Counselor Mitchell?’” He asked, smirking. You hated him, you hated the way he looked, you hated the sound of his voice—it made you want to close your eyes and cry. Somehow he always made you feel so incredibly small. You stood up, reflexively taking a step back as he came closer, 

“Stop,” You whispered, “Please just leave me alone,” He obviously didn’t care what you said as he took a step around your desk, roughly grabbing your wrist to stop you from avoiding him. You winced, trying to pry your arm from his grip, “Ow, Casey, that hurts,” 

“You’ve been naughty Y/N, sleeping with Barba, did you think you could just run away from me?” He hissed, pulling your arm so hard it felt like he was going to tear something. You put your free hand in between the two of you, trying to push him away. Being pressed up against him made you want to vomit. He rolled his hips against yours, pulling you in for a kiss that was mostly teeth. You were overwhelmed by the smell of his musky cologne, his tongue pushing into your mouth, hands dropping to your ass and your hips. He finally released you, “I’ll see you around Y/N,” he murmured, kissing your cheek. You collapsed back against the wall, vision blurred by tears. You were suddenly really glad you had chosen glasses over contacts this morning. Your heart was pounding so loud it was all you could hear. You stumbled from the room and down towards Rafael’s office. When you saw the door was shut, you turned towards Carmen. He was supposed to be back by now. 

“Carmen, where is he?” You asked softly, hating the break in your voice. 

“He’s still out, are you okay?” She asked gently, helping to steady you. 

“Please let me in, I want to wait for him in there,” You whispered. You couldn’t bear to be alone in your office, and you needed Rafael desperately. Carmen quickly unlocked the door for you, helping you to sit down on the couch. You let yourself fall apart when the door shut, crying softly. You weren’t sure how long it was until the door finally opened, and Rafael was walking in with armfuls of paper, 

“Hey, Carmen told me you were in here, what’s going-Y/N, what happened?” He had looked up and seen the mascara streaks down your cheeks and the red rimming around your eyes. He quickly set his papers on the desk with his brief case and shed his jacket on his way to sit next to you. “Take a breath,” he murmured wrapping an arm around your shoulders. You leaned your head against his chest, 

“He’s here Rafi,” you finally whispered. When Rafael spoke next, his voice was strained, 

“Mitchell? What’s he doing here?” 

“He requested a lateral while we were gone,” you miserably answered. Everything always had to fall apart. Just when things seemed to be good, something would go wrong. What was the point anymore? “I wish I would have just taken those sleeping pills,” you admitted, starting to cry again, “I can’t do this, he’s been here one day and he already….” 

“He what?” Rafael asked when you trailed off, his voice bordering on sounding furious. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” you whispered, but Rafael didn’t seem keen to let it go, “Please Rafael, I can’t,” 

“Is this what yesterday was about? What the hell did he do to you Y/N? I’m not going to sit here idly while he hurts you,” he rubbed your back gently. You dropped your head into your hands, on the verge of starting to sob again. All the breath had left you, your chest starting to heave. “Okay, alright, I know,” You could feel your body shaking. “What do you need right now?” 

“I want to die Rafi,” you weeped, wishing that you could curl up under a blanket in his arms. Your words tore him apart inside. You heard him take a few breaths to calm himself, 

“I know it hurts right now,” he finally said softly, “It’s going to get better Y/N, I promise it’s going to get better. I would die without you,” you gripped him, clutching his arm and trying to stop spiraling out of control. Everything felt like it was crumbling in front of you. What would stop Casey from making you—but if you told Rafael, maybe he could—but you didn’t want to tell him. Your head was spinning, no, you couldn’t do this. It was too much, all of it was too much and you couldn’t breathe again. The world was blurry, and all you could feel was Rafael, sturdy and strong, holding you up right. Nothing was going to get better, “Y/N,” his voice sounded so far away, like he was speaking through glass. You wanted to go back that place you had found yesterday, that safe place where everything was numb and it didn’t hurt so much. “Hey feel my hands, listen to my voice, focus on the safe place you are in right now. It’s safe here,” he said evenly. His voice was pulling you back to reality, his touch grounding you, but you struggled. You were so close to your safe place. “Breathe with me,” Rafael was as stubborn as you. You finally gave in, taking a few seconds before opening your eyes. “No visitors for a bit, could you get me a glass of water for Y/N,” 

“Sure thing Mr. Barba,” you were feeling unsteady and dizzy, and it took you far too long to realize Rafael was talking to Carmen who had felt the need to open the door to his office. Oh good God, who all knew you were in the office with him? Rafael’s hands were gentle as they moved across your arms, rubbing up and down your biceps, 

“That’s it, look right here at me,” his gentle voice was so calming. You looked up at his loving face and were reminded of what was good about your life. Thinking back to Hawaii wasn’t that hard and helped you to calm down and back away from the ledge you had been about to tumble from. “Say it with me Y/N, it’s Friday August 25th, I’m in Manhattan New York. I’m okay. C’mon,” You repeated it with him for a few moments, and your body began to relax, your heart rate slowing considerably, “Again, it’s Friday August 25th, I’m in my wonderful fiance’s office, and I am way more than okay,” his joke made you laugh softly. 

“Thank you Raf,” you murmured, sniffling. The glass he pressed into your hand was cool, and you started gulping down water, 

“Slow down, don’t drink that fast, you’ll make yourself sick,” Rafael gently chided, his fingers drawing small indistinguishable shapes on your sleeve. A knock at the door startled you both, 

“Mr. Barba, Detective Benson is here, do you want me to have her wait or…” Carmen’s tentative voice quietly said through a small crack of the door. 

“Yes please, let her know I’ll be with her soon,” he replied. You wiped at your eyes furiously; Liv certainly was not going to see you like this. “I don’t want to upset you again, but I would really appreciate it if you could tell me what happened,” you hung your head, he was right. 

“Yesterday Sonny called me and told me that Casey had requested his lateral transfer, and I panicked. Then, uh, today he knocked on the door and oh god, it was like I was stuck in a flashback, the way he leaned against the door. He kissed me,” you finally admitted. Rafael tensed up, and momentarily you thought he might burst a blood vessel when you looked at his red face. “I tried to stop him, but I couldn’t,” 

“I know you did honey, I know,” he whispered, kissing your forehead, “Okay, let me think about this, we will figure it out together. He won’t be touching you again,” You nodded, letting him hug you tightly for another moment, “I have to talk to Liv, do you need anything else? I can have Carmen walk you to the bathroom,” 

“I can walk to the bathroom on my own,” you replied, standing up shakily. Rafael walked you to the door, and you refused to meet Liv’s eyes as you left his office and headed towards the bathroom. You cleaned yourself up, fixing your hair and your makeup (thank the lord you had extra in your bag). When you looked acceptable, you headed back towards Rafael’s office, letting yourself in. Liv was sitting in front of his desk and they were in the middle of a heated conversation that you didn’t want to interrupt. You took a seat next to the detective, but Rafael turned towards you anyways, 

“You good?” he asked softly, his green eyes searching your face. You nodded, but when he didn’t react you sighed, 

“I’m fine Raf, go on, finish your conversation,” you insisted. 

“We were just talking about the Anderson case,” Rafael caught you up quickly, trying to draw another opinion into the argument. You gladly listened, anything to distract yourself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael makes a bad decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey here's chapter 3, sorry it's so short. Anyone see that fantastic SVU episode last night? Raúl Esparza was brilliant as usual and I LOVED all that Barba/Liv friendship going on. Anyways I hope you guys enjoy and I'd love comments if you want to leave some! Thanks!

You quietly followed Rafael into the SVU office. The both of you had just come back from lunch at your favorite Italian restaurant when Liv called. “Okay, what’s the problem?” Rafael asked, setting his briefcase on the table. You followed, taking a seat beside him. 

“Hey guys, how was your time off?” Sonny asked, grinning. 

“It was good,” you said softly, pulling out a pen and paper. You were purposely being vague as Sonny obviously knew you were on vacation together, but you weren’t sure if you wanted to disclose that to everyone quite yet. 

“So we have—” Liv started to say, 

“Sorry I’m late, hey Y/N,” Mitchell announced, strolling into the room. You looked away from him, trying to keep yourself calm. You were starting to shake, anxiety twisting and turning in your gut. Rafael watched you closely, sensing your discomfort. He took a step towards you, but it was too late; Casey had already walked around the table and placed his hands on your shoulders. You felt so small again, somehow he always succeeded at making you feel like absolutely nothing. Never before had one person been able to make you feel so worthless. Casey was saying something, but you couldn’t hear it. You stood up, trying to move away from him so you could get yourself under control, and then Rafael was walking towards you, a strained look on his face. He patted your arm, and suddenly you were really concerned, what was he about to do? You watched in horror as Rafael landed a punch right on Casey’s nose that stunned the taller lawyer for a moment. Liv and Sonny started moving towards them, but they weren’t fast enough to stop the return punch that Casey threw. You wanted to scream as Rafael fell down, grabbing for his face. Sonny and Fin grabbed Casey, helping him over to a chair and getting him tissues to clean up the blood that was dripping from his nose onto his shirt. Liv was kneeling down by Rafael. 

“Rafi,” you whispered, kneeling down on the other side of him. His top lip was split open and his nose was bleeding. He looked dazed. 

“Ow my face,” he hissed,

“Of all the stupid things you could have done Rafael, this was the worst way you could have dealt with this. He’s twice your size,” you scolded, helping him to sit up. Liv got on his other side, supporting him on the way to an interview room where he could sit. You got ice, tears burning your eyes as you dabbed the blood from his nose and pressed the cold compress against his injuries.

“Don’t cry,” He whispered, reaching out and gently stroking your arm, “I’m okay,” 

“Don’t ever do that again Rafa, I swear to God,” You said, wiping your tears away. Rafael winced when you put some antiseptic on the cut, but otherwise he quietly took your yelling. “What do you need?” you asked softly when he was cleaned up. 

“Can I have a kiss?” he asked sullenly, so you leaned in and pressed your lips against his. The metallic taste of blood filled your mouth, and Rafael sucked in a sharp breath, but hastily assured you he was fine when you pulled away. 

“Thank you for trying to help,” you murmured, soothing a your fingers through his hair, “So much for talking to him,” Rafael laughed softly at that, 

“I couldn’t just sit there and watch him do that to you,” he said, reaching for your hand, 

“Well now Liv is pissed off, and I hope to God he doesn’t want to press charges for assault,” you whispered, squeezing his hand gently. He shut his eyes, 

“I called the DA, we have a meeting with him tomorrow. We need to disclose before anything gets out of hand,” he whispered. 

“Can we just tell him though, I don’t know if I want everyone to know,” you said gently. Rafael was quiet for a few minutes, 

“You don’t want people to know?” he sounded hurt. You sighed,

“That’s not what I meant Raf, I just, I don’t want all the chatter, it’ll make this whole mess with Casey even worse,” you whispered, running your thumb over his bruised knuckles. 

“I want to tell everyone,” Rafael finally said, looking at you pleadingly, “I love you Y/N, I don’t want to have to hide that anymore,” You came closer and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, 

“Give me some time, I’m sorry,” you murmured, “Can I just think about this all?” 

“Think about what Y/N?” he snapped, pulling his hand back, “You want to marry me right?” You knelt in front of him, leveling your eyes with his, 

“Of course I want to marry you Rafael, I promise it’s not you. I don’t want the drama, but I’ll take it if I have to. I want you more than anything in the world,” his face softened at that. You smiled softly, leaning in for one more kiss, 

“Hey, uh, oh sorry,” Sonny said, coming into the room, “I didn’t realize you two were getting so cozy in here,” 

“Oh shut up Sonny,” you whispered, standing up, “Is Casey okay?” not that you really cared. You wished Rafael would have bashed his head in, but you were more concerned with any punishment your fiance may face after this. If Mitchell was actually injured, he would be in real trouble. 

“He’s fine, nose was bleeding, but we got that under control, nothing a short trip to the doctor’s won’t fix. He said he doesn’t care enough to press charges or anything. I wouldn’t worry too much. You threw a mean punch Counselor, might have broken his nose,” the detective replied. 

“Yes, well, I am almost positive he broke mine,” Rafael whispered. 

“What were you thinking? He’s got almost a hundred pounds on you,” 

“I have a suicidal streak Carisi, remember?” your fiance said with a soft smile. You put a hand on his shoulder as he tried to stand up, keeping him in his seat, 

“How’s your head? Are you dizzy?” 

“I’m fine Y/N, relax,” he insisted, but you weren’t having any of that. 

“We’re going to the emergency room Rafael, I want them to look at your nose,” you informed him, grabbing his arm as he stood. 

“I don’t need to go to the ER—“

“You are not having a crooked nose when we get married,” you interrupted. You saw Carisi’s face before you realized what you had even said. 

“Oh, I see how it is,” Rafael joked, breaking the silence. Sonny broke into a grin, 

“You two are getting married!?” He exclaimed far too loudly for your liking. Rafael nodded, smiling smugly. 

“Shh, not so loud,” you hissed, “We haven’t even told the DA yet,” Sonny was smiling, 

“Can I see the ring?” You rolled your eyes, but held your hand out for him to look at. “How’d he ask?” 

“On the beach, it was absolutely perfect,” you said, smiling despite yourself. That night had been amazing, well minus the part where Rafael had a panic attack…

“I hate to interrupt this reminiscing about my grand romantic gesture, but I’m feeling a little light headed,” Rafael said gently, and he was leaning on you a bit heavily. Sonny quickly grabbed his other arm, and the two of you walked him out. Casey was nowhere to be seen, likely in another room, but as soon as you got out there, Liv was coming over. 

“Barba’s not feeling so hot, we’re gonna take him to the hospital,” Sonny explained. 

“Do you need me?” You asked softly, not wanting to make Rafael go without you, but you had a job to do. 

“Mitchell is gonna stay and handle this, you two get out out of here,” Liv replied, glaring at your fiancé. You sat next to Rafael in the car and gently rubbed his back. 

“I’m gonna throw up,” Rafael groaned from beside you, so you nudged him forward so his elbows rested on his knees, 

“Just breathe, it’s okay,” you murmured, “Sonny, do you have a bag or anything like that?”

“Uhhh, maybe,” the detective replied. 

“That’s not helpful,” you snapped, stroking Rafael’s arm, trying to comfort him. He had his eyes squeezed closed, and his nose was significantly redder and more swollen looking than before. Sonny finally tossed you a plastic bag that you promptly handed to Rafael. He leaned against you slightly, so you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, “We’re almost there,” you whispered. He suddenly lurched forward, emptying his lunch into the bag. You soothed your fingers through his hair. 

“Ow,” he hissed, wiping his mouth with the napkin you had taken from Sonny. 

“How far are we Sonny?” You asked, 

“Just a couple minutes,” he assured you, beeping at someone. 

“I’m okay, calm down Y/N,” Rafael whispered, trying to keep you from losing it, but his nose was starting to bleed again. Sonny quickly threw you a handful of tissues that you handed to Rafael, not wanting to hurt him by bumping anything. Finally Sonny parked, and Rafael seemed a bit dizzy as he climbed out of the car. You wrapped an arm around his waist, steadying him as you walked into the emergency room.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael has an appointment with the doctors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought it would be nice to post another chapter before I have to go back to school on Monday. I'll probably be a bit slower at updating then due to homework and my job. I still have a lot left to write for this series, and I've really enjoyed sharing this with you guys so far. Thanks for reading and I'd love any comments should you feel inclined to indulge me!

Rafael looked white as a sheet sitting slightly reclined in a chair. You sat down next to him stroking his arm gently, “I’ll buy you a coffee after this,” you promised, handing him the bottle of water you bought. “Breathe,” you whispered. 

“I’m fine,” he murmured sharply, but he looked like he was going to be sick again. His muscles were tensed under your hand, so you rubbed little soothing circles onto his arm. 

“Okay Mr. Barba, I’m Dr. Sloan, this is just going to numb the area a bit so I can examine it,” the doctor said as he came over with a big needle. The size of Rafael’s eyes would have been comical had you not been so worried about him. 

“Try and hold still honey,” you said softly, taking his hand in yours. 

“How about you try holding still when someone’s about to shove a bunch of metal up your already broken nose,” he bit back, squeezing your hand hard enough that you didn’t believe a word he had said about being okay. He sucked in a sharp breath, as they numbed everything. Looking like he was going to pass out, Rafael closed his eyes as the doctor pulled out a few metal instruments to take a look at his nose. The examination didn’t last long, but you were more than a little concerned the whole time. Rafael let out a breath of relief when it was over, and when he opened his eyes, they were watery. You gently stroked his hair, 

“You did good Rafa, it’s all over now,” you whispered. 

“I don’t need coddled,” Rafael snapped, but the effect was ruined by the way he leaned into your touch. You wanted to kiss all the pain away, but you settled for squeezing his hand and waiting for the doctor to talk to the both of you. Rafael was quiet the whole time. The doctor got him all situated with gauze to stop his nose from starting to bleed again and instructions to come back after work so they could actually set the bones back in place. He looked like he was more than ready to leave, but unfortunately they still had to cast his apparently broken hand. The doctor had noticed the bruising when he was doing his initial exam and ordered X-rays. Finally the two of you were on your way out, you keeping a protective arm around Rafael. He was quiet in the cab, brushing off all your attempts to talk to him, “Don’t be like that Rafael,” you whispered, “Please smile, it’s going to be okay,” 

“So much for coffee,” he sulked, but he let you hold his hand. 

“I know, but after they set your nose and you get home, I’ll buy you dinner and plenty of coffee,” he smiled slightly at your promise. You felt bad that he wasn’t allowed to eat until then. You patted his thigh, “Let me take care of you,” You whispered. Rafael smiled at that and scooted closer to you. 

“Don’t listen to me, my face really hurts and I’m hungry,” he murmured, gingerly leaning down to kiss your temple. Once you were finally back at your office, you walked him in, staying close to ensure he wasn’t going to get dizzy and fall or anything. Carmen stood up when she saw you approaching, 

“Oh my God, Mr. Barba, what happened?” She gasped, coming over to take his briefcase and suit jacket. He was quite the sight to see, his lip split, gauze packing in his nose and blood staining his shirt and vest, and finally a bright blue cast on his hand and wrist. 

“That’s too long of a story,” he replied. Carmen tried to hide the small laugh that escaped with her fingers, but Rafael noticed,“What?” He asked, looking back and forth at you and his assistant. 

“Your voice is a little nasal darling,” you whispered. You hadn’t said anything before because he had been upset and it was irrelevant anyways. He glowered, wordlessly heading into his office, “Rafi, come on,” you called, rushing after him as fast as you could in heels. He took a seat in his chair, leaning his head back and closing his eyes, “Are you okay?” you asked gently, coming over close to him. 

“I guess,” he said softly. You moved behind him, pressing your lips against his hair and rubbing soothing circles across his chest, 

“Thank you for standing up for me today,” you whispered, “Please don’t do that again, but thank you,” He reached up and grasped your hand in his own, bringing it to his lips, 

“Are you okay? He shouldn’t be allowed to do that to you,” he murmured, “I don’t like this Y/N, I’m not going to tell you what to do or make you do anything, but…” 

“I know,” you replied, telling anyone felt terrifying, but Rafael had a point, “Maybe, maybe I should talk to Liv,” 

“Think about it, I can ask her if she has time to talk if you decide you want to,” he said gently, “And talking to her doesn’t mean you have to file charges or anything, let’s just take it one step at a time,” 

“Alright, do you need anything right now?” You asked softly after a few minutes of silence. He shook his head, and Carmen poked her head in, bringing his things over to the desk. “So no eating, no drinking, I know it sucks, but you have to, and take it easy,” you whispered, pecking his cheek, “Carmen, he gets no coffee, he has surgery later,” 

“Surgery is a bit strong of a word, they are just resetting my nose,” He commented, “I don’t see why they have to use anesthesia for that,” 

“Considering you were almost crying when they took a look at it earlier, I think the anesthesia is a pretty good idea,” you replied. Rafael glared. “I should go get some work done,” you said, standing up. On the way out, you stopped at Carmen’s desk, “Keep an eye on him for me?” She agreed to do as you asked which gave you peace of mind as you went to try and do some real work. It was a quiet few hours, and you were about ready to go collect Rafael and head to the hospital when your phone started ringing. 

“Hello?” You asked, standing up and packing your things, 

“Hey Y/N, it’s Liv, can you or Barba come down here for a bit? I’ve got a perp and Mitchell is otherwise occupied so there shouldn’t be any fist fights this time unless Rafael decides to punch one of my detectives,” you could hear the annoyance in her voice, and you wanted to explain everything, but you weren’t ready yet. 

“He won’t be punching anyone else, we can swing by for a bit,” you replied, slipping into your jacket. You hung up, heading over to Rafael’s office. 

“Time for my humiliation to continue?” He asked dryly, standing up and struggling into his coat. You took his briefcase, 

“Depends on what you consider humiliating, we’re going back to the precinct before we go to the hospital. 

“Oh joy,” he complained, but he followed you outside. You held onto his good arm as you made your way into the building, “I’m not a little child Y/N, I don’t need a leash,” he suddenly griped. He pulled out of your grasp, quietly stewing. You tried not to take any of it personally, he usually was grumpy when he was sick or injured, but this seemed to be a little more than that. 

“Christ Counselor, you look like hell,” Sonny said when he caught sight of Rafael. You glared at him, trying to get him to shut up before he upset your boyfriend even more. Rafael’s face hardened, and he headed into Liv’s office to listen to the interview. 

“Sore subject,” you whispered on your way past Sonny, “He’s very not excited about his doctor’s appointment later,” Sonny grimaced, 

“Resetting his nose?” he asked, and you nodded, “That hurts like hell afterwards,” 

“I’m gonna have a great time with him tonight,” you whispered, heading into the room after him. You gently rubbed his back for a second. Rafael had a far off look in his eyes, his hand clenching and unclenching at his side. He had his broken hand tucked against his side protectively. “Are you alright?” you asked gently. 

“Fine, fine,” he replied dismissively, shaking his head. 

“Counselors, I didn’t hear you come in,” Liv said, coming into the room. “How are you feeling Barba,” 

“Alright I guess,” he said, but he seemed a far cry from okay. Suddenly he looked a little shaky again. 

“Do you need to sit down?” You asked softly, grabbing his elbow. 

“I said I’m fine,” he snapped, so you let him alone. He took a few breaths, reaching out to steady himself by grabbing onto the ledge of the glass. “Y/N, can I have a minute to talk to Liv?” He asked. You patted his bicep gently before heading out to sit down with Sonny. The detective was smiling at you, in this huge, goofy way, and you tried to ignore   
it, but he just kept grinning. 

“Something you want to say to me detective?” You finally asked, trying not to laugh. 

“I better be invited to the wedding,” he said softly. 

“What wedding?” Amanda asked from her desk, 

“My sister’s wedding,” Sonny quickly replied, and you tried not to laugh as Amanda looked confused, 

“Why wouldn’t you be invited to your sister’s wedding?” She finally asked. You were saved from listening to the conversation by Liv calling you back in. She looked significantly less annoyed at Rafael, who still looked like he was going to pass out any second. The interview only took ten minutes before you were ready to arraign the idiot. 

“Arrest him, I’ll have him on the docket tomorrow,” Rafael said, beating you to the punch. You glared at him, and he sighed and amended, “Y/N will have him on the docket,” 

“There you go,” you replied, “Now come on, you’re going to be late,” 

“Where are you rushing off to?” Liv asked. 

“Someone has surgery,” you replied, “I’m gonna drop him off,” Rafael got this unidentifiable look on his face. 

“Oh, do you need a ride home?” Liv asked. 

“No, uh my mother is gonna get me,” he finally said, letting you grab his arm. “Thank you though. I’ll uh, I’ll see you—well I probably won’t see you tomorrow, but uh maybe Wednesday,” Rafael leaned on you a bit on the way out, but he looked better when he was able to sit down in the cab. 

“Why didn’t you just sit down in there?” You asked, but he didn’t answer, “Say it,” you finally said, knowing there was something on his mind. 

“It’s nothing,” he whispered, but he wasn’t fooling you. 

“You have to talk to me if this is gonna work Rafi,” You prodded, 

“What, like you talk to me about Mitchell?” he bit back. Your mouth fell open and then snapped shut in stunned silence. That was a low blow. He immediately looked sorry, but the damage had been done. 

“Seriously Rafael, I cannot believe you just said that,” you whispered, tears pricking your eyes. 

“Y/N—” he started to try and apologize, his hand going to your arm, but you yanked away, 

“Don’t,” You whispered, wiping at your eyes. 

“Darling I didn’t mean—”

“Just please, stop,” you cut him off again, moving towards the door. You wanted to have some time to yourself, but you were trapped in this little cab, crying softly while Rafael sat there silently. You could feel his hand hovering over your back, like he wanted to touch you and try and comfort you but knew you would react badly. In the waiting room, you were still quiet, and Rafael stared at his lap, trying to give you space. “I know you didn’t mean that,” you finally whispered, “Not in a mean way at least, and I’m sorry it’s so hard for me to talk to you about everything--” 

“No, don’t apologize, I never, ever should have said that. I’m just tired and everything hurts, but that is no excuse,” he interrupted. His big hand curled around yours, thumb stroking across your smooth skin, “You don’t have to tell me anything about what happened,” you let him hold your hand, but you were still a little upset. He could say sorry, but he couldn’t unring a bell. “Please look at me?” he asked gently, but you still felt like crying, so you kept your eyes down. 

“I don’t really want to Rafael,” you finally said tearily, “I know you’re sorry, but I just need a minute,” The two of you sat in silence for a while, but you couldn’t help but notice the way Rafael’s hand was shaking in your own. You squeezed it, “Are you okay?” you asked softly, 

“Don’t worry about me,” he said softly, his voice sounding weird. It wasn’t until you looked at him that you realized he was on the verge of tears. 

“Raf, don’t cry,” you murmured, 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I really, really didn’t mean that. I don’t know why I—that was one of the meanest things I could have said to you. I always mess everything up,” 

“No, it’s not messed up, it’s okay,” you replied coming closer to him. You had the whole time he was having surgery to get over it, but right now, he was falling apart, and to you, that was more important than being upset with him. “Shhh, it’s all okay, I forgive you,” you brushed a few tears from his cheeks, “What’s going on with you?” You asked, wrapping an arm around him, “You’re shaking,” his broken hand was still tucked closely against his side like he was trying to guard it or protect himself.   
He sniffled softly, wincing, and then finally looked at you. His eyes were bloodshot and looked haunted, “I really don’t like surgery,” he whispered, “I have some really bad memories, it took me a lot of effort not to start drinking earlier,” 

“A lot of effort from Carmen?” You teased, smiling when he laughed. “Why didn’t you tell me that before?” You asked, taking his good hand in your own, “Breathe. I know, I’m gonna stay right here with you. You wanna tell me about it?” He squeezed your hand softly, looking slightly relieved to have that off his chest, 

“I was seven, I wasn’t feeling well for a few days, but my dad, uh, he didn’t care. He threw me in the closet, locked the door. I was in there for a long time, couldn’t get up,” you ran your thumb in small circles across the fabric of his sleeve. He looked at you, curling in on himself subconsciously. You weren’t sure if he even realized what he was doing, “He knocked me around a bit, broke bones. Anyways, finally my mom took me to the doctor. They had to do an emergency appendectomy, I almost died, they gave me too much anesthesia. It was a mess,” he took a second to rub a tired hand across his face, wincing slightly when he accidentally brushed against his nose. “Afterwards, everything hurt so bad,” you rubbed his hand, thumb running over his wrist and the bulging veins that disappeared under his sleeve. 

“This will be different, I promise,” you whispered, bringing his hand up to your lips, “You have nothing to worry about, and I will be right here waiting for you afterward. We can get dinner and coffee and tomorrow, we’ll go tell the DA we’re engaged,” Rafael nodded, but the shaking continued, “Where do you want to get married?” You asked softly. 

“I don’t care Y/N, I just want to marry you,” he whispered. 

“That is a lie and you know it. If I told you I wanted to get married in the middle of winter, outside, you would bitch about it,” you pointed out, turning to look at him and smile. He smiled which made you feel better. 

“Ok fine—maybe the beach-“ 

“Mr. Barba, come on back,” you stood up with him, hand firmly gripping onto his. He sat on the bed quietly, struggling out of his clothes so they could prep him. You helped him get out of his shirt, leaving him in only a white undershirt and his boxers. He looked so small lying there on the bed, shaking slightly as they began to take his vitals and get him comfortable. You sat down on the edge of the bed, hand moving gently across his chest. 

“I’m going to be waiting for you, I promise,” you whispered. His skin was pale, his muscles tense. 

“It’s time to go,” the nurse said gently. 

“G-get me clothes to wear home?” Rafael managed to ask, stumbling over his words slightly. He was gripping the bed sheet, 

“Can I just sit with him until he’s under?” you asked the woman. It was unbearable seeing him so nervous that he was shaking. Gone was the fight from earlier, gone were all your worries about Mitchell; all that remained was your need to comfort him. Everything else could be addressed another time. The nurse looked at you, 

“That’s really not-” 

“Please, it’ll make him a lot calmer, I’ll leave as soon as he’s out,” you pleaded. Rafael stroked your hand,

“It’s okay mi amor,” he whispered, but you weren’t going to budge on this, 

“Ask Dr. Sloan for me?” you said again. 

“That’s against hospital--” 

“Hey guys,” Dr. Sloan said from the door, “You ready?” he was looking at Rafael. 

“Dr. Sloan, would it be at all possible for me to come in while you put him under. I just want to sit with him,” you asked, desperate to make this better in any way that you could. 

“I don’t see why not,” the doctor said with a charming smile, 

“Dr. Sloan, that’s against hospital policy,” the nurse hissed, but the doctor ignored her, still smiling at the both of you.

“Would that make you feel more comfortable Mr. Barba?” he asked, and Rafael nodded, gripping your hand, “Alright then, let’s go,” You followed them to the room, and let them get him all hooked up to everything before sitting down on the edge of the bed. The steady beep of his heartbeat filled the room. You stroked your hand through his hair softly, 

“It’s all going to be perfectly fine Rafi,” you whispered, and he nodded, squeezing his eyes closed. “Look right here, right at me, and have nice dreams. When you wake up, I’ll take good care of you,” Rafael looked up at you while they administered the anesthesia into his IV. His eyes fluttered shut in moments, and then you were left in the waiting room. You gathered up his clothes and his things, calling a car to take you back to the house quickly. You didn’t live far from the hospital, so it only took you a half hour to be back, changed into some leggings and a sweater and carrying a comfortable change of clothes for Rafael. It took you far too long to realize you should probably call his mother and let her know what happened, and how he was doing. Once you finished your conversation with Lucia, there was nothing to do but wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have this terrible habit of naming all of my doctors after Grey's Anatomy characters haha


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael wakes up from surgery, some smut, and then a secret comes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter. I really appreciate all of the kind comments you guys have left for me. It keeps me motivated to write and post more and more. I hope you all enjoy this chapter and I'm going to try and get another one up tomorrow. Thanks again!

Blurry, bright white light. He shied away, blinking a few times and then suddenly it was dimmed and he could open his eyes without it burning. The room felt like it was spinning, and tears started pouring from his eyes. It was only seconds before a throbbing sensation captured his attention. “Can you give him anything for the pain? He’s crying,” where did he know that voice from? He couldn’t place it, but it comforted him. 

“It’s probably the anesthesia that’s making him cry,” another soft voice said, “Hi Mr. Barba, welcome back. Your surgery went flawlessly and Dr. Sloan should be in to talk to you soon,” an unfamiliar face appeared in his line of sight. “Are you feeling alright?” His throat felt scratchy and rough, but he tried to respond anyways. It took him a good few seconds to latch onto your name in the fog that was his brain, 

“Y/N?” He croaked, he was freezing cold and could feel himself shivering. He just wanted your soft hands on his skin, your voice whispering in his ear that it was okay. Rafael felt ridiculous for feeling so anxious and scared, but he wanted you all the same. 

“She’s right here,” the nurse whispered, “Your throat is probably sore from the breathing tube, I’ll get you some water to sip on,” He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw you, 

“You did so good Rafa, it’s all over now,” you assured him. Your fingers gently soothed through his dark locks, nails gently brushing across his scalp. He leaned into the comforting touch, more tears soaking his already wet cheeks. The soft touch of your fingers brushing them away from his skin felt soothing. He wanted to close his eyes and fall asleep like this. It was a fight for Rafael to keep his eyes open, but the way his face hurt and his tongue felt swollen and heavy in his mouth made that a bit easier. “How do you feel?” Your voice was soft. 

“Dizzy,” He whispered, wincing at the pain when he spoke. 

“Here, let’s sit you up, I have some water for you to sip at,” the nurse had returned, but he wanted her to go away. He was at least saved the indignity of the woman holding it for him; you did that instead, guiding the straw to his mouth so he could drink some. His throat stung, but at least it wasn’t dry anymore. You ran your other hand through his hair again, and he groaned slightly, 

“Hurts,” He whispered. His face was throbbing worse and worse by the second. 

“Hang on, Dr. Sloan will be here soon,” you said, pressing soft kisses on his forehead. He shut his eyes, feeling vaguely nauseated and panicky, his hand groping around to grab onto yours. Your slender fingers lacing between his own made him smile slightly, especially when he felt the cold, metal indent of your ring pressing against his skin. 

“Mrs. Barba, how’s he doing?” Rafael couldn’t help the warm feeling that filled his chest when someone called you Mrs. Barba. He felt even happier when you went with it, it just felt so right. 

“He’s in pain,” You whispered, “Can you give him anything?” 

“Mr. Barba?” Rafael blinked, opening his eyes at the sound of his name. “I have to hear from you, how are you feeling?” His vision cleared and he could see Dr. Sloan looking at him, 

“Okay I guess,” Rafael finally whispered, 

“How’s your pain?” The man prodded. Rafael tried to think about how to describe the sharp pain that was exploding from behind his eyes which shouldn’t have been hard, but everything felt scrambled. 

“It hurts, a lot,” he finally whispered, feeling a bit defeated. 

“Okay, well I’m going to prescribe some hydrocodone and Tylenol, you should start him on Advil or Tylenol, but if that doesn’t do the trick, he can take the prescription medicine as directed. He has to keep that cast on his face until next week, and make sure he sleeps with his head propped up. I’ll send directions. Call me if you have any questions,” he said with a smile, reaching out and patting Rafael on the arm and shaking your hand. 

“Can we go home?” Rafael asked softly, he wanted to lay down in the dark and never come out. 

“You have to stay here for a bit longer babe, it’s okay,” you murmured, petting his hair again, “I’m going to go get you some Advil, I’ll be right back, I promise,” he grabbed your wrist, 

“Don’t leave,” he pleaded. If you left, he would be in the dark, sterile room, alone with the nurse. Being alone was the last thing he wanted at the moment. 

“I’ll be right back,” You whispered again, “Your face will feel much better after this Rafi,” he didn’t have the energy to argue, so he let you go and shut his eyes. Everything was still blurry and spinning and he could feel fresh tears in his eyes. Why couldn’t he stop crying? This was getting ridiculous, he felt ridiculous in only his boxers and an undershirt, laying on this little bed looking weak and frail. Hands under his shoulders startled him, and his eyes opened with a jolt, 

“Sorry Mr. Barba, but you’re gonna need to sit up for me,” It was the nurse again. He didn’t want to sit up or move or do anything, but he did it anyways, hissing when he wobbled and put a lot of pressure on his broken hand to stop from falling. He blindly did as she said before he realized she was expecting him to stand up. 

“But, where’s Y/N?” He asked softly. You were supposed to be back, and he didn’t want to leave the room without you knowing where he was. 

“We’re just going to walk to the chair there first,” the nurse assured him, coming closer so he had someone to lean on. Rafael took her hand a stood up, teetering around for a second before he regained his balance. Everything was still blurry. 

“I’m so dizzy,” he whispered. She grabbed his arm, helping to steady him. Finally, after what seemed like ages, he could see straight and it wasn’t hard for him to walk to the chair. He sat down then and rested for a few seconds, a knock on the door startling him. 

“Look at you,” you said with a giant smile, coming over with the advil and some water. Rafael took the pills, swallowing them and hoping the medicine would work quickly. You squeezed his shoulder, hands running over his skin. 

“He looks pretty good, a little dizzy still. You probably should wait another ten or fifteen minutes to leave. Feel free to get him dressed or whatever you’d like. I’ll be back with discharge paper work and home care instructions. He needs to rest tomorrow morning, nothing strenuous, he really should rest tomorrow in general and the next day if he can manage,” the woman said looking at you. Rafael hated the way he was cut out of the conversation, people talking about him while he was right there like he was five years old. 

“I will be perfectly fine,” he said, butting in. You laughed, fingers still distractedly running through his hair. 

“You will be staying home tomorrow except for our meeting with the DA,” you corrected, turning towards the nurse, “Thank you very much,” after she left, you turned towards him, “Do you want your clothes? You look cold,” 

“Yes, please,” he immediately replied, so you pulled out the sweatpants and flannel you grabbed from the house.

“I know it’s not the most stylish thing, but I thought it would be comfortable for you,” you said gently, handing him the pants, “Can you do it on your own,” he glared, so you held up your hands in defence, “I’ll take that as a yes,” He struggled into them, still sitting on the chair. Finally he huffed in defeat with them resting on his thighs, 

“Help me,” he whispered, so you quietly helped him to stand up and held him steady while he pulled the pants up the rest of the way. 

“Put your arms up,” you instructed. Rafael slowly raised them enough that you could pull the shirt gently off his torso and help him slip into the flannel button down. You tied his shoes so he didn’t have to bend over, and then sat next to him on the bed, “As bad as you thought?” 

“I guess not, I don’t know,” he whispered, “You make everything better,” He leaned his head down on your shoulder, 

“After everything you’ve done for me, I think we’re even,” you replied, wrapping your arm around his shoulders, 

“I know,” 

“Smile, tomorrow we get to go and talk about getting married,” you bumped his shoulder. He managed a weak curl of his lips, 

“Can we go yet?” you nodded softly at his request, rubbing the place right between his shoulder blades. 

“If you can hold on for five more minutes, I promise we will go right home. I’ll order in,” you whispered by his ear. The nurse finally came back with a stack of paperwork for Rafael and you, and a packet explaining what he needed to do for the next couple of days. What really caught Rafael’s attention though was the wheelchair she was pushing in the room, 

“No, no, no,” he immediately said, “I am not getting in that,” 

“Mr. Barba, it’s hospital policy, you just had surgery and we can’t have you falling, just down to your car,” the nurse explained, but Rafael was having none of it. 

“Rafael,” you whispered, “It’s not that bad,” 

“No,” he insisted. 

“Raf—”

“I said no,” Rafael said, yanking away from you. 

“Calm down Rafi, hey, stop,” you said, grabbing his wrists so he had to look at you, “You could barely walk to the chair, we’re just going to wheel you down to a cab. I will wheel you down to the cab,” he clenched his jaw, looking like he might cry, so you asked the nurse for a minute alone. “What’s going on?” You asked softly, holding onto his hands. 

“I’m sorry if I don’t want people staring at me,” he said sharply, a scowl on his face. You frowned, what the hell was his problem? You were in a hospital, a guy in a wheelchair wouldn’t look that weird. 

“No one is going to stare at you,” you said gently, but he still looked upset. He had been acting so odd all day, horribly grumpy after the first appointment, and you didn’t understand what was wrong. “Talk to me Rafa, don’t push me away,” You said, but he kept looking at the ground. “I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me,” you added. Nothing. It was really his defensive posturing and insistence that he was okay that made it click suddenly, “No one has to know about any of this Rafael, you’re safe with me. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you,” your heart ached for him. He was scared that if people saw him as vulnerable, they’d use it to hurt him. You imagined that had something to do with his childhood. He finally nodded, reaching up to wipe at a few stray tears. A lot of things made sense, how he didn’t want to tell you about his dad in Hawaii, that sharp prickly attitude he got when he was injured, it was just him trying to protect himself. You quickly finished the paperwork, “Let’s go, I’ll push you down to the front. The nurse already called us a cab,” 

“Okay,” he sighed, slowly making his way over to the chair. You draped the jacket you brought for him over his shoulders and gathered up all your things, pushing him toward the elevator. You frowned when you looked at him, he was sitting up straight, his chest puffed out a bit like he was trying to seem as big as he could in the chair. In the elevator, you stroked his hair again, 

“It’s okay, let me take care of you Rafael, let me in,” you whispered. He leaned into your touch, visibly relaxing a bit, 

“I’m sorry,” he replied softly, “I’m trying Y/N, it’s just hard for me sometimes,” 

“I know, everything with your dad must make this hard,” he stiffened slightly at that, 

“I don’t need you psychoanalyzing me,” he hissed sharply, but then looked like he immediately regretted it, “Sorry, I-I, it’s a touchy subject. I’ve been trying to put that behind me for a very long time,” You rubbed his back, 

“No need to apologize Raf, I bet you’re tired, it’s okay,” You got him settled in the cab, an orderly taking the chair for you so you could climb in next to him. He leaned against you, looking a bit pale. He let you help him into his apartment building and get him propped up on the couch with pillows and a blanket before you called in dinner. Some color returned to his face when you got some water into him and little bowl of strawberries that were in his fridge. He was watching tv when you came back into the room. “How’s your face? Do you need any medicine?” 

“It only hurts a little,” he replied, “At least I’m not so dizzy,” You sat next to him, pulling him close and kissing his cheek, 

“I love you so much,” you whispered, “You went through all of this because of me,” 

“I’m gonna kill him, he ruined my shirt,” Rafael said softly, holding onto your hand. “And I hate this cast, I’m going to look so stupid tomorrow,” You shifted around so you could plant a kiss on his mouth to shut him up. He was a little surprised at first, but recovered quickly, slipping his tongue past your lips. “What are you doing?” he asked breathily when you started to unbutton his shirt, 

“I believe I promised you a surprise the other day and never held up my end of the bargain,” you joked, breath tickling his ear as you kissed his face. You were hoping this might cheer him up some or distract him. He gasped into your hair when you sucked a bruise under his jaw. You smiled when you felt his dick twitch in his pants, hips rising to get some friction. 

“I thought the doctor said no strenuous activity,” he gasped, half-heartedly arguing. The little smirk on his face made it obvious he wasn’t really trying to get you to stop. 

“I’ll do all the work, you just sit back and relax,” you said teasingly, moving your knee in little circles over his groin, “I won’t tell if you don’t,” you added, laughing softly as his mouth fell open. “Let’s go,” you murmured, standing up. He let out a little noise of disappointment at the loss of contact before standing up and following you to his bed. You made quick work of his shirt before helping him to settle comfortably on the edge of the mattress. You dragged his sweatpants and boxers down to his knees in one motion and then off his legs. He hissed when you took him into your mouth suddenly, his hand twisting into the sheets at his side. You grabbed his wrist, guiding his fingers to tangle in your hair before you started to suck, hard and fast. Rafael’s eyes fluttered shut for a second, half lidded as he looked down at you, soft grunts and needy whines escaping his lips. 

“Oh my god,” he hissed, hips jerking against your hands. You pulled off, kissing the head of his leaking cock just once before standing up, 

“Lay down,” you murmured, starting to strip your clothes off. Rafael stared at you dumbly for a second before moving fully onto the bed. You dropped the rest of your clothes onto the floor, straddling his thighs and shoving a couple of pillows under his head, “Keep your face elevated, remember,” you whispered with a laugh. He was panting as you gave his dick a few tugs before guiding him to your entrance, slowly sinking down on him. Rafael’s hands went straight to your hips, the rough texture of his cast scraping your skin. You started rocking your hips against his, wringing little sounds from his lips. He simply laid there for a few moments, the heavy sound of his breathing filling the room, but then he started to raise his hips in time to your movements. “Feel good?” you asked softly. 

“It’d be better if I sat up a bit,” he said softly, and for a second you wondered if his head was hurting, but you quickly realized his actual motivations, 

“You’re just trying to get at my boobs,” you said with a laugh, but you helped him to shift around so he was leaning against the headboard. 

“So what if I am,” Rafael teased, grinning and reaching to cup your breast. You leaned your head against his neck, kissing and nipping under his jaw and over his adam's apple as you moved together. His hips were desperately snapping up to meet yours, and his uncasted hand moved from your breast to rub small circles on your clit. You let out a breath wanting him to keep going, but his wrist looked like it was bent at an uncomfortable angle, so you stilled him, 

“This is for you right now, just enjoy,” You murmured, 

“I won’t enjoy it if you don’t,” he fired back, but he allowed you to guide his hand back to your breast. 

“Afterwards then,” Rafael rolled your nipple between his fingers, and you gasped, back arching. You had to grab onto his shoulder for leverage and to keep yourself upright. The room felt hotter and hotter every passing second, the sweat making your skin stick to his. You couldn’t get enough of the breathy sounds he was making. He started bucking into you haphazardly chasing his release as it got closer and closer until he shuddered and let out a groan, spilling inside you. You stroked his hair as he thrusted through the orgasm, finally collapsing down onto the bed sheets. You carefully lifted yourself off him, 

“C’mere, I wanna take care of you,” he murmured, grabbing your arm. You let him do as he pleased, guiding you to sit down between his legs, back flush against his chest. Rafael reached down, fingers going straight for your clit, his mouth trailing across your neck and jaw. You were already close and his fingers were skilled, forcing gasps and moans from your lips until you came with his name on your lips and collapsed back against him, completely spent. “Fuck,” he whispered, “You’re amazing,” 

“Mmm,” you murmured, postorgasmic haze clouding your thoughts. You never wanted to move. Rafael held you, the both of you enjoying the afterglow until the stickiness was too much to bear, “Let’s get a shower,” you whispered. 

“Can I get a shower?” Rafael asked softly, starting to move around to get out from under you. 

“Yeah, you just have to keep your head up and try not to soak the cast through,” you whispered. He snorted slightly, but dutifully followed you to the bathroom. You kissed lazily, the shower spray washing over Rafael’s back and onto you. You helped him soap up, hands wandering at times, but he wasn’t complaining. His tongue was halfway down your throat when the doorbell rang, and you had to scramble out of the shower, drying off and yanking on your lacy black panties and bra and then the purple dress shirt Rafael had left on the bed the other day. The doorbell rang close to three times before you could get to it with your wallet in hand, “I think it’s the food,” you called to Rafael before finally opening the door. You were taken aback for a second when you were met with the sight of three detectives.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The detectives learn what they've been missing all along. Plus Rafi channels a lil bit of his inner Raúl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a short chapter. Maybe tomorrow after work I can get something else up. Depends on how much time I can find to write tomorrow...returning to real life is gonna suck....

Liv’s mouth fell open, Sonny immediately started snickering, and Amanda was stunned silent, 

“Oh, uh hi guys,” you said, blushing slightly. 

“Hi, Y/N,” Liv finally said, “Uh,” she swallowed, “Did we get the address wrong?” You gulped slightly, biting your lip, 

“Are you uh, are you looking for Rafael?” you finally managed to ask, swallowing your embarrassment at your current state of undress. 

“Yeah, uh, we need the counselor to sign some papers and Liv wanted to check on him after his surgery,” Sonny said, still grinning from ear to ear. 

“Okay, uh, he’s still getting out of the shower I think. Come on in, I’ll go get him,” you replied, opening the door. They were barely inside the apartment when Rafael appeared, 

“Hey babe, is the food here?” he asked, from the hallway. He had a small white towel wrapped around his hips when he walked into the room. 

“No, uh, the detectives are here, for you,” you replied, stepping aside to reveal the three people standing inside his house. Rafael reddened when Sonny waived at him, 

“Oh uh, hey guys,” he cleared his throat, “I’m going to uh, I’m going to put some clothes on, do you want--” he trailed off. Sonny started laughing again, but shut up when Rafael gave him a sharp look. 

“It’s fine,” you whispered, patting his arm, “The damage is already done,” Rafael nodded, heading back to his bedroom. You moved some of the pillows and blankets from the couch and Rafael’s flannel shirt so the detectives could sit down. “Do you guys want something to drink?” you asked softly. 

“I’ll take some water,” Sonny said, taking a seat on the couch. The other two followed him,

“I’m alright,” Liv answered.

“Are you sure? I can put on some tea, we have green and english breakfast I think,” you were acutely aware that you had said ‘we’ after finishing the sentence. It hadn’t been on purpose, but honestly you wouldn’t have taken it back if you could have. What was there to be embarrassed about? It was Liv, Sonny, and Amanda, and while this was probably the last way you wanted them to find out, there was nothing you could do about it now. Sonny wouldn’t stop smiling at you. 

“I’ll take some tea,” Amanda finally said, and Liv agreed, so you headed to the kitchen to start some hot water. When it was on the stove, you went back to the bedroom to change. If they were going to be there for awhile, you wanted to get fully dressed. Rafael was rifling through his drawer in search of something, 

“What are you looking for darling?” you asked softly, rubbing his back, 

“My goddamned khakis,” he practically growled. You grabbed his wrist, 

“That’s not even the drawer where you keep your khakis Rafa, calm down. It’s okay if they know,” you said gently, opening the next drawer up and handing him the pants he was looking for. He seemed flustered, so you handed him a white button down that he slipped into, rolling the sleeves up and running a quick hand through his hair. “I’ll be out in a second, and we can tell them together, officially,” 

“O-Okay, but maybe we should start with just telling them we’re together,” he quickly amended which made you laugh. He had been the one who wanted to tell everyone, but he seemed so nervous now. You nodded, pulling on your clothes from earlier. Rafael was starting to sign papers when you came back in, Sonny’s water in hand and two mugs of warm water. “What, nothing for me?” he asked, with a small smile. 

You sat down next to him, hand going to his thigh, “What do you need? Advil, Tylenol?” you could feel the detective’s eyes glued on the two of you, 

“I was thinking more like you could call and see where our dinner is,” he grumbled, signing the paper and handing it to Liv before taking your hand. “Let’s just clear this up right now, we’re together, we have been for a while now, and we are going to talk to the DA about it tomorrow,” Rafael said like he had rehearsed it in his head. Sonny snorted, and you glared at him. 

“Hawaii looks like fun,” he whispered, eyes flickering to the picture you had on the mantle. It was the two of you kissing in front of the sunset on the beach. You were glad it wasn’t the picture you had of Rafael proposing that the waiter had somehow managed to inconspicuously take. 

“We should’ve guessed,” Liv said with a smile. 

“I did,” Sonny piped in. You shook your head at him. 

“So I assume you had something to do with the fistfight in my squad room then,” Olivia observed, looking a bit amused. Now that was something you definitely didn’t want to talk about. Rafael squeezed your hand, answering for you, 

“Something like that,” he said softly. 

“How are you feeling?” Amanda asked, looking at Rafael. 

“Alright, I could use some Tylenol or whatever I’m allowed to have right now,” he replied. You patted his leg, standing up to grab the bottle, 

“Tylenol or hydrocodone?” You asked. 

“Tylenol,” Rafael immediately replied, “But uh, anyways, the anesthesia made me really dizzy and she definitely had a fun time getting me home in one piece,” 

“Made him cry,” you commented which earned a glare from Rafael, but you just laughed, “What, it’s true,” 

“Anesthesia makes me cry too Counselor,” Sonny piped up, trying to make Rafael feel better, but he was still blushing. You handed him his medicine and went to the kitchen to retrieve a glass of water. When you came back, he was engaged in a heated conversation with Carisi about the latest case, 

“Your point is moot anyways Carisi,” Rafael said shaking his head, “They turned down the deal, it’s going to trial,” 

“You calm down,” you whispered, rubbing Rafael’s shoulder, “You’re supposed to be taking it easy,” your fiancé had to bite his tongue before he let a teasing comment slip about your activities from earlier. 

“Well, we’ll get out of your hair for the evening, see you guys tomorrow,” Liv said with a smile, 

“Not him,” you replied, “He’s staying home,” you gave him a pointed look. He rolled his eyes and looked bitter, but didn’t argue. 

“Well, I guess it’ll just be you and Mitchell tomorrow then,” Amanda said. You felt your stomach roll, and Rafael’s hand tightened around yours, 

“Uhh, Carisi, can I talk to you for a second, in private,” Rafael said after a few moments. You looked at your fiancé who stroked your arm, “I’ve got it,” he whispered by your ear, kissing your cheek before disappearing with Carisi. 

“Is there a problem?” Liv asked when they left. You were too busy trying to stay calm to really answer. Liv knelt by your side, “You okay Y/N?” You let out a shaky little breath, tears clouding your eyes, and the detective started to rub your back softly. 

“Take a breath Y/N,” Amanda said softly. You closed your eyes, images of Mitchell crowding you in your office, forcing his lips onto yours, pinning you down in his office on the carpet, forcing himself inside of you, bringing coffee to you the next day like nothing had happened. You wanted to throw up even thinking about it. 

“No, no, no,” you whispered. 

“Hey,” Rafael had returned and he was quickly by your side. He had a glass of red wine at the ready, “Shh, it’s okay,” he murmured, and you nodded, trying to believe him. “I’m right here,” you felt your cheeks reddening--you could feel the detectives watching you closely. 

“How can we help?” Liv asked. Rafael stroked your hand, 

“Get me a blanket for her,” he said softly, “There should be some in the closet over there,” Rafael squatted down at your side, “Don’t cry, I’m gonna take care of it,” he promised. You felt frozen, like you couldn’t move. The warmth of the blanket did make you feel safer, all wrapped up and cozy. Rafael pushed the wine into your hand, “Sip that and try to relax, no freaking out on me. We have a big day tomorrow,” he teased, trying to lighten your mood. He brushed a few strands of hair out of your eyes, “Look right here, at me,” you obeyed, slowing down your breathing as much as you could. You sipped at it, wiping your eyes, 

“Rafi,” your voice was small, “I’m gonna be sick,” 

“Okay, here, come on. You guys can go, I’ve got her,” he said, helping you up to your feet and to toward the bathroom. “Carisi won’t leave him alone with you, he’s gonna help,” he whispered on the way down the hall. Rafael got you to calm down finally, sitting with you on the bathroom floor until you both were tired. “Let’s go to bed,” he whispered, kissing your forehead. You nodded, getting up and brushing your teeth and climbing into bed with Rafael. He wrapped his arms around your waist, but you pushed him off, 

“You’re gonna hurt yourself,” you whispered, “Let me,” He didn’t move for a few seconds, but finally rolled over and let you hold him close. It was strangely comforting to feel him breathing softly in your arms. “Put more pillows under your head,” you murmured by his ear. He sighed, shoving the one that was in his arms under his head and fishing around for another one from beside the bed. He quickly dozed off, but you took a while. You held Rafael close, kissing his shoulder blade softly, your face resting on the bare skin of his back. You gently traced a few scars that you hadn’t seen before, biting your lip when you imagined where they came from. His big hand moved to cover yours where it rested on his lower stomach, and you jerked slightly. You had thought he was asleep. 

“Don’t be sad,” he whispered drowsily, “I’m okay,”

“I know you are,” you replied, stroking your fingers over his bare skin, dipping under the waistband of his flannel pants during the little soothing circles. You wished he was coming to work with you—facing Casey on your own made you feel nauseous even imagining. You held onto Rafael even a bit tighter, 

“Are you okay?” He whispered. You debated lying, but finally you let out a soft, tearful whispered, 

“No,” Rafael turned over, gathering you up against his chest, and kissing the top of your head, 

“Maybe—” he started to say, but then quieted, “Maybe we should do something about this,” he finally suggested. You shut your eyes, he was probably right, but the stress of a trial seemed overbearing. You knew first hand how ugly it could turn in seconds, and you didn’t want to put Rafael or yourself through that. 

“I don’t know,” you murmured, sniffling. He didn’t push, quietly holding you close for a bit, 

“Think about it,” he finally said gently, “Whatever you want, but I don’t like him bothering you like this. I want him to be held accountable for everything,” 

“I’m sorry,” you whispered. 

“No apologizing,” he insisted, “You have nothing to apologize for,” You held onto him, your head nestled against his neck. He was tense, but he didn’t say anything further, instead running his hands over your hair and down your back. It gave you a chance to think about what he had said. If you didn’t do something, Mitchell would be free to harass you as much as he wanted. After a while, you weren't sure if he was asleep, so you were quiet when you spoke:

“Rafi?” he shifted around at the sound of your voice, 

“Mmmm, what?” he murmured. 

“I’m not against talking to someone about it, but a trial--we both know how that can get,” you whispered. Rafael grunted softly, shifting around so he could sit up and turn on the light. “And it’s probably too late anyways. I could lose my job,” 

“Woah, slow down,” he said gently, “Let’s just take this one step at a time. I’ll call Liv, tomorrow, and see if she can talk to you in private. Only the two of you and then if you decide you want to take it a step further and if Liv thinks it’s a good idea, then we can talk to the DA and get him involved. We’ll take it nice and slow,” 

“Okay, I guess, I guess I could talk to Liv,” you finally said, “Can we go to the squad room after the meeting tomorrow? I want you there with me,” He smiled at that, taking your hand in his own, 

“That sounds perfectly reasonable to me,” Rafael murmured, “And I promise, I’ll be there with you for everything. Now you need to go to sleep, you have to get up early tomorrow,” You curled up against his side this time. He turned the lights out, and when you closed your eyes, a soft sound that you had rarely had the pleasure of hearing filled the room--Rafael singing. You had only heard it one time before when you had been in the throes of a complete meltdown. He had been at home, half asleep, when you called him in a panic, and he had come straight over to your apartment. It had been incredibly difficult to calm you down that day, so he had just started singing and rocking you back and forth on the bed until you passed out in his arms. His loving voice made you feel drowsy, slowly drifting off into a deep sleep. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A meeting with the DA, a talk with Liv, and a very scary moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the chapter that I said I'd get up yesterday...whoops. I had work until late and lots of homework so oh well. I'm just glad I could get it up tonight. Thanks for reading so far and for all the comments! I 'll try to keep it going.

The loud ringing of your alarm startled you. You shot up, smacking the snooze button and tiredly rubbing your face. Rafael was still softly snoring beside you. You carefully crawled out of bed, trying not to wake him and grabbed a shower. Right before you left, you snuck back into the bedroom, placing a soft kiss on his lips and then heading down to catch a cab. You bypassed your usual morning coffee, instead heading straight to the office as you were running a bit late. Your phone buzzed in your pocket after you made it through security, ‘ What no kiss goodbye?’  You could picture Rafael’s stupid little smirk that would accompany the question. 

‘You were too busy snoring to notice,’ you quickly typed back, smiling. 

“Mornin’ Counselor,” you practically dropped your phone when you heard the voice. Carisi was standing in front of the closed door to your office, two cups of coffee in hand and a dopey smile on his face. 

“Carisi, what are you doing here?” you asked, unlocking the door and heading to your desk. 

“Barba didn’t tell you? We’re gonna hang out today,” he replied, following you over to your desk. For a moment you were confused, but then it hit you—Mitchell—Carisi was here to stay with you because of Mitchell. 

“No, he didn’t, but uh, I guess I might as well keep you busy. Go ask Jerome for the Diaz file and thank you for the coffee,” you said, setting your things down. Sonny grinned and disappeared out the door. ' Carisi following me around like a lost puppy for the rest of the day, thanks,'  you typed, setting your phone down on the desk and starting your paperwork and trial prep. You didn’t really mind Sonny being there, in fact you were grateful he would give up his day to stay with you, but you couldn’t help but tease Rafael. Sonny returned quickly handing you the file you needed and taking a seat beside your desk. You passed the morning quickly, and soon it was time for you to go to your meeting. You stood up, “C’mon Carisi, we’re going to see the DA, you can wait outside or go early to lunch if you’d like,” you said, packing up your things and pulling on your jacket. Your phone dinged during the cab ride, and when you looked at the message, you smiled, 

‘On my way. I’m buying you lunch afterwards ;)’ Rafael’s words helped to settle the anxiety that was fluttering in your stomach. Sonny patted your arm as you climbed out of the car, and he followed you into the building, sitting with you until Rafael showed up. You laughed softly when you realized that the two of you matched. He had on a navy blue shirt, sleeves rolled up to accommodate his cast and a grey vest with a nice pair of jeans. His hair was damp and combed, but not his usually slicked back, put together look. You figured that probably had something to do with his only having one hand to use. 

“Mmm, don’t you look nice,” Rafael whispered. He looked a little pale, so you hooked your arm in his, smiling, 

“Thank you counselor, those are some nice jeans,” you murmured back. His jeans fit perfectly in all the right places, and you couldn't help but appreciate it, “Are you feeling alright, you look a little shaky?” He sighed softly when he was able to sit down. 

“I had a really bad headache and took some hydrocodone earlier,” he said softly, “I’m feeling a bit light headed to be honest,” You gently stroked his hair, 

“Carisi, can you get the water bottle from my bag?” you asked, trying to comfort him. He took the water gratefully, sipping at it while you waited for it to be your turn with the DA. Rafael felt a bit clammy when you touched his forehead. He shut his eyes until the DA’s secretary came out to get the two of you. Rafael let you wrap an arm around his waist to keep him upright. Taking a seat in your boss’s office, you felt anxiety begin to take over. 

“It’s gonna be okay mi amor,” Rafael whispered, reaching over to pat your hand. You appreciated him thinking of you even when he obviously felt awful. 

“Rafael, Y/N, nice to see the two of you,” your boss said, coming into the room. He took a seat at his desk, “What--Rafael are you okay? What happened?” he had looked up and noticed Rafael’s paleness and the casts. 

“I, uh, I had a little spill,” Rafael said softly, “I’ll be okay,” 

“He had surgery yesterday,” you explained. 

“I hate to cut the pleasantries short, but I have a very full schedule today, so what is it that I can do for the two of you,” he said, starting to collect his papers. 

“We need to disclose,” Rafael said almost immediately. You wanted to elbow him in the side for being so blunt and not providing any context. 

“Not this again Rafael, I don’t know if I can suspend you again without getting bad press,” your boss said softly, 

“Nothing like that,” you interrupted, “We uh, we haven’t been entirely honest about the nature of our relationship. Rafael and I have been seeing each other, and we’re getting married,” The DA was shocked into silence for a few moments, 

“Umm, okay, I wish you would have been more upfront about this,” he sighed, “That being said, this shouldn’t be a problem. There’s some paperwork I’m going to need you to fill out--it’s all pro forma--any problems, you come to me and we’ll figure it out,” his secretary printed out a stack of papers for you. “If that’s everything, I have another meeting to get to. Mazel tov,” He shook both your hands before rushing out of the room. Rafael looked tired as he stood up, so you took his hand, walking out to the lobby where you could fill out the papers and make everything official. Finally when it was all done, Rafael grabbed your wrist, pulling you over for a kiss. His skin felt a bit feverish, concerning you further. 

“Are you sure you’re up for lunch? I think you need to lay down,”  you whispered, brushing a few wayward strands of his hair away from his eyes and pressing the back of your hand up against his forehead. 

“No, I-I’m okay, let’s go get something to eat and then we’re supposed to meet with Liv,” Rafael replied. You were skeptical, but he was stubborn. You took his arm, shooting a look towards Carisi, who got the memo and followed closely behind to catch Rafael if he fell. He was unsteady on his feet, but thankfully didn’t fall on the way to the cab and then into the restaurant. He was quiet during your lunch, picking at his food, but stubbornly refusing your suggestions for him to go home. You had them pack up his leftovers. 

“Counselor, you should probably--” 

“Don’t start with me Carisi, I can take care of myself. We’re going to the squad room,” Rafael’s voice was sharp and annoyed, but he was leaning on you more with every step he took. Sonny had to help you support him on the way into the precinct. You got him some more water once he was sitting, and he seemed to perk up some which made you feel a lot better. 

“Hey Barba, you said you wanted to talk to me,” Liv said, coming into the interview room. 

“Actually, it’s me who needs to talk to you. Sonny, can uh, can we have a minute?” you asked. Sonny nodded, letting himself out of the room. The door shut with a loud click. Rafael looked at you, smiling softly. 

“Alright,” Liv looked a bit taken aback, but she pulled a chair over, “What can I do to help?” you didn’t say anything for a few moments, instead, intently focusing on a scratch in the table. Rafael covered your hand, 

“Just tell Liv what you told me Y/N,” he said gently. 

“Why don’t you tell her,” you snapped, but then you took a breath, “Sorry, I’m sorry, can I have some coffee or something?” 

“Yeah, I’ll get it,” Rafael said, standing up. He slowly made his way out of the room. 

“This will stay right here in this room Y/N,” Liv said softly. You bit your lip, fidgeting in the chair. Rafael was back in a few minutes with a warm cup of coffee for you. You took a few sips, 

“I uh, something happened,” you finally said. Rafael had moved closer, his hand on your back. 

“Can you tell me when it happened?” Liv prodded gently when you went quiet for a while. You felt a bit sick, 

“A little over a year ago,” you finally said, “ I know I shouldn’t have waited so long, but I still don’t really want to talk about it. I just want to forget,” 

“I’ve seen cases reported later, I understand,” Liv replied, “Telling someone is really helpful for healing,” You took another sip, trying to build up your courage, 

“It happened at work,” you admitted, “When I was still in Brooklyn,” You couldn’t look at Olivia or Rafael, all you could do was look down at your hands and try not to cry. Liv came over by your side and started to rub your arm. She handed you a few tissues. 

“So it was someone you worked with?” she asked. You sniffled and nodded. 

“It was my boss,” your voice was little more than a whisper, “It was Casey Mitchell,” 

…………………….

You were crying. Ugly fat tears that clouded your vision. Liv had left the room a few minutes before to get you something to eat, so it was just you and Rafael sitting in there. You had gone through the disclosure in painstaking detail, and Rafael had been quiet but tense beside you. “Are you okay?” he asked softly. You wiped at your eyes. 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” your voice was raspy from all the crying. Rafael was silent again until Liv came back in, “Are you feeling any better?” you asked. 

“I’m great,” his voice sounded a bit odd. He turned towards Liv, “You know we’re englazed,” Rafael slurred. You only had time to look up at him before he collapsed to the floor with a loud thump, his body starting to convulse violently. You screamed. Liv moved quickly down to the floor, shoving a jacket under his head to try and stop him from hurting himself. The seizure didn’t last very long, but it felt like hours from where you were frozen in the chair. Carisi and Fin were at the door, 

“Call an ambulance, one of you. Right now,” Liv instructed, struggling to shift Rafael’s limp form onto his side. She gently ran a finger around in his mouth to help him breathe. You finally got yourself together enough to slip to the floor and try to comfort him while Liv got him situated into the recovery position. 

“It’s okay,” you whispered, wiping at your tears and rubbing his back. Liv was sitting on his other side, trying to ensure he didn’t choke on anything. 

“Hey Rafael,” she said softly, so you assumed he had opened his eyes finally. “How are you feeling?” You moved around so you were sitting by his head and could see his facial expressions. He was blinking and had a slightly pained look on his face, 

“Turn the lights down,” you said, looking up at the detectives, “They’re hurting his head,” Liv gently felt his forehead; 

“He’s burning up, one of you get ice,” she said softly. 

“Bus is on the way,” Sonny let you know. You felt a little better knowing there was trained help coming. 

“Oh Rafa,” You whispered, “Help is on the way darling,” you gently ran your nails across his scalp, something that would have made him sigh contentedly and cuddle further in your arms had you been at home. He leaned into the touch slightly. You heard him saying something softly that you couldn’t quite make out, “What was that babe?” You asked, petting his hair again. 

“Clearly the defense is being ridiculous, your honor,” he slurred a bit louder. You looked up at Liv, eyes wide with concern. 

“Don’t worry about that Rafael, you have nothing to worry about,” the detective whispered to him. Sonny returned with a bag of ice that you laid across the back of his neck. He blinked, looking at you finally, 

“Where...where am I?” He asked softly, “My head,” he closed his eyes again. 

“You’re in the interview room at the SVU precinct Rafael, you had a seizure. It’s okay. I’m right here,” you replied, shifting the ice to rest on top of his head. “Does that make your head feel any better?” Instead of answering, he started to lurch forward, and for a moment, you were terrified he was starting to seize again. You sighed in relief when you realized he was throwing up and rubbed his back gently, tipping him forward slightly so he wouldn’t choke. Blood was dripping from his nose and briefly you were concerned that he had hit it on something during his seizing. Liv cleared his mouth again when he started making little wheezing noises. Where was the ambulance!? It felt like your heart was beating out of your chest, and you wanted to take away his pain, but that was impossible. He was shivering slightly, and you could see a few tears dripping down his cheeks, “Don’t cry Raf,” you whispered, stroking his hair again, “It’s all going to be okay. I promise,” 

“Paramedics are here,” Sonny announced, and finally a woman and a man came through the door with a stretcher. You followed them out and rode with him in the ambulance, holding his hand that was shaking like a leaf. 

“How long has he had this fever?” One of the paramedics asked you. 

“I’m not sure,” you replied, “He had surgery yesterday, and he’s had it at least two hours. He took some hydrocodone and Tylenol this morning. I was at work so I’m not entirely positive,” you were babbling, panic coursing through your veins. 

“Okay, take a breath, we’re almost there. We’re gonna take really good care of him,” the man said, smiling comfortingly at you. 

“Tom, he’s at 104 and tachycardic. I need your help over here right now,"  


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An ambulance ride and Rafael is back in the hospital. How will he react?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's another chapter. I'm currently trying not to freak out after today's SVU episode. If Raúl Esparza leaves the show, I'm gonna legit cry. Also stressing about a big presentation tomorrow...fun. I hope you guys enjoy this, and I'm about to start writing what I see as the final BIG part of this series (I'm pretty far ahead of what I'm posting, don't worry there's plenty more to come). I'm gonna stop rambling now, if you can't tell I'm tired...hope you enjoy and as always I'd love comments. Thanks!

Tom rushed over to Rafael's side, and the two of them were scrambling to try and keep this under control. “No quise,” Rafael said softly. His face looked so clammy, sweat pouring from his skin. He looked  hazy and scared. “Por favor papi,” you wanted to cry when you heard him. You had figured out enough from high school Spanish and hanging around with Rafael to know what he was talking about. 

“You’re safe Rafael, he’s not here,” you whispered. The hospital was a blur, Rafael getting rolled into the ER and there were a lot of big words being thrown around as he was evaluated. You stood there uselessly, shaking as you waited for someone to tell you something. You had no idea how long it was until Sonny was guiding you to a chair and sitting next to you. You stared at the wall, tracing the lines with your eyes. What would you do without him? What if he wasn’t okay? This was all your fault. The only reason he had punched Mitchell was because of you, and he had to have surgery because of you, and he was scared and confused because of you. The look on his face that you had seen far too many times recently was burned into your memory. He looked terrified and anxious, looking so small and clinging to any comfort you provided. 

“Y/N, hey,” you were pulled from your thoughts by Sonny’s voice. 

“What? Sorry I-” 

“The doctor wants to ask you a few questions,” Olivia said gently. The whole squad was there, looking at you with concern in their eyes. They were all there for you and for Rafael. Then you saw Dr. Sloan who gave you a little smile before coming to sit beside you. 

“I just need you to tell me about last night and this morning. Anything you know can help,” he said softly. You grabbed his arm, opening your mouth to ask about Rafael, but he beat you to the punch, “Rafael is still being stabilized, we’re working really hard to help him,” 

“Okay, uh, we got home yesterday, he ate and drank something small and relaxed on the couch. Then, uh,” you blushed slightly, “We um,” you shifted around uncomfortably, and Dr. Sloan just nodded for you to continue, “Anyways, then he took a shower and we had a visit from the SVU detectives. I got upset and we spent a couple hours doing pretty much nothing. We had dinner, we went to bed,” 

“Okay, what medications did he have yesterday?” Dr. Sloan asked, 

“Only Advil and Tylenol,” you replied, “And then today, I got up and went to work, he was up maybe around eight or eight thirty because he texted me. Then he came into a meeting we had with our boss, and I knew something was wrong. He told me he took some hydrocodone and tylenol because he had a terrible headache. He was clammy and weak, didn’t eat much at lunch, and we had to practically carry him into the squad room. He passed out, fell on the ground and started to seize,” 

“Okay, thank you very much, you have been so helpful. I ordered blood work and a head CT once he’s stable. I’ll be out to let you know hopefully very soon,” the doctor said, patting your shoulder. Sonny wrapped an arm around your shoulders, 

“Let me get you a coffee Y/N,” he said softly, but you weren’t thirsty or hungry. You dropped your head into your hands, elbows resting on your thighs and you tried to hold in your sobs, 

“This is all my fault, I was so, so stupid,” you whispered, “He was just trying to help me and--” 

“It wasn’t your fault Y/N, we were interrupted before, but I think we should keep looking into your case. I don’t want to watch Casey Mitchell harass you,” Liv said gently, “Rafael will pull through this,” you nodded tearfully, but you were shaking. 

“Mrs. Barba?” you looked up, standing immediately, “Hi, Dr. Sloan asked me to bring you back to your husband’s room,” the woman smiled at you and led you back to see Rafael. You were too worried to bother correcting her. Rafael’s eyes were closed. His skin still looked pale, a dark circle had developed around his left eye. There were tubes and wires hooked up to him. 

“Y/N, he’s stabilized, finally. He still has a fever, and his blood work came back. It’s very uncommon with this type of surgery, but he developed a postoperative infection which is what caused his high fever. I believe the seizure was a result of him hitting his head and the fever. He’s going to get a head CT later just to ensure everything looks normal, but I think with a couple days of these IV antibiotics, he should be good as new,” Dr. Sloan was smiling at you, and he immediately wrapped you in a hug when you grabbed him and started to cry. 

“Thank you Dr. Sloan,” you practically sobbed. 

“No problem,” he said softly, leading you over to the chair beside Rafael’s bed, “He is lightly sedated at the moment, you can talk to him if you’d like. When he wakes up, he may be a bit disoriented or confused,” he explained. 

“He, um, he gets really anxious in hospitals. Is there anyway you can get him some medicine or something to help,” you asked softly. Dr. Sloan promised to come back and check on him later to make that decision. He was going to be so upset when he woke up. Wanting nothing more than to climb into the bed and hold him tight, you sat by his side, clutching his hand until he finally, finally opened his eyes. He groaned softly which was your first sign that he was up. “Hey,” you whispered, immediately starting to stroke his hair and his hand, “How are you feeling?” he leaned into the touch for a few seconds, only focusing on the nice feeling until he realized he wasn’t at home, 

“Where-where am I?” he asked, panic starting to seep into his tone. 

“At the hospital Rafi, you scared me,” you murmured. He shut his eyes, 

“My head hurts,” he observed. You laughed softly, eyes still filled with tears, 

“Yeah, I’m sure it does,” You whispered, “You had a seizure,” Rafael was starting to breathe heavier than you liked, 

“I want to go home,” he said softly, grabbing at your arm, “Y/N, I really want to go home,” 

You wanted to cry when you heard the desperation in his voice. “I would take you home if I could Raf. You need to stay here for a while,” He was about to reply when a nurse came in, 

“Mr. Barba, I need to take your temperature,” she said softly, “And because it was so high earlier, I need to take it rectally,” 

“No,” he immediately said, quickly scrambling towards you, “No,” 

“Hey,” you said gently, holding his hand, “You need to let her do her job. You are gonna look at me the whole time, it will take sixty seconds and then it will be all over,” You whispered. He started to cry, but moved onto his side. 

“Pull your knee up to your chest, your left one,” the woman said softly. You took Rafael’s hand and stroked his face, sweeping his hair out of his face and the tears from his cheeks. 

“It’s okay, I’m right here. I’m gonna call your mom after this and she’ll come and keep you company while I get clothes from home. Liv is here, I’m sure she’ll come in here and sit with you. I’ll make sure you’re not alone,” you promised. He made a little face of discomfort but nodded. You ran your thumb across his cheek, “Liv thinks we should keep looking at my case, and I think I want to try and get some closure. You were right,” 

“So strong,” He whispered, squeezing your hand, 

“Not without you,” you replied, kissing his knuckles, but he shook his head. 

“You don’t need me,” he said so softly. 

“Alright, we’re all done, you can relax Mr. Barba,” the nurse said gently, “How are you feeling?” 

“Fine,” he said softly, “How long until I can leave?” He was trembling again. The nurse took his pulse and his blood pressure. 

“Are you feeling nervous?” She asked softly, 

“Yes,” you jumped in, before he could deny it, “He doesn’t like hospitals,” 

“I can call Dr. Sloan, and he can possibly prescribe some clonazepam or another anti-anxiety drug,” she offered. 

“Please,” you said, moving to sit on the edge of Rafael’s bed. He leaned his face against your side, closing his eyes. You could feel the tears soaking into your shirt, so you stroked his hair softly, murmuring comforting words. “You need to tell the nurse the truth Rafael. If you let them treat you, you can go home sooner,” 

“I want to go home now,” He sniffled. You had never seen him so worked up. You understood in theory that he had bad memories of hospital visits, but this seemed like more than that. 

“Rafi, you’re safe here, why are you so upset?” You asked. 

“I already told you that,” he snapped, wrapping his arms around your waist so you couldn’t leave him. 

“Okay, calm down, I just don’t understand how what you told me before is making you nervous now. You aren’t having surgery or anything,” you explained. He clung to you a bit tighter before finally admitting, 

“I don’t trust doctors,” you ran a hand through his hair again, waiting for him to explain, “I have a lot of bad stories from when I was a kid Y/N, I don’t think you really want to hear it,”

“If you want to talk about it, I want to hear it,” you assured him. Rafael was quiet for a long time, and if he hadn’t been shaking, you might have thought he was asleep. 

“I guess, I-I, my dad did something to me, and I know the doctor saw it and did nothing to help. That on top of what happened with the anesthesia makes me really nervous. I have bad memories at the hospital,” his voice was steadier than you expected, and you wanted to hold him until all the pain went away. You barely knew anything about his father, but you hated the man. 

“Hey guys, can you sit up for me Mr. Barba?” Dr. Sloan said, knocking on the door and coming in the room, “I’m hearing you’re having some anxiety?” 

“Yeah a little,” Rafael whispered as the doctor did a quick check of everything, 

“I’m going to prescribe you some clonazepam, hopefully that will make you feel better,” he said with a small smile, “You still have a fever, but it’s going in the right direction,” Rafael scrubbed at his eyes and leaned back against the pillow. You continued to stroke his hair and his arm, anything you could do to soothe him. 

“Thank you Dr. Sloan,” you said softly, “Hopefully you’ll be able to get a good night’s sleep tonight. I’ll stay right here with you after I run home. I promise,” 

“Don’t leave until I have the medicine,” he said softly. You smiled and nodded, holding him close again. You sat there until the nurse brought him a little cup of water and a few pills. He swallowed them, and you waited until he was sufficiently relaxed to leave. He stopped trembling and his eyes grew droopy after a while. You briskly walked out to the waiting room where Liv and Sonny were still waiting, 

“Hey guys,” you said tiredly, “He’s okay, sleeping finally. Post op infection. I uh I have to go home and get a bag packed and uh I need to call his mother,” 

“Already done,” Sonny said with a smile, 

“Thank you,” you whispered, glad that someone had kept Lucia in the loop to some extent, “Can one of you sit with him in the room. He doesn’t like hospitals that much, but he should be asleep right now. I won’t be long,” 

“I’ll stay with him, Liv, why don’t you drive the counselor home. You never finished your conversation from earlier,” Sonny offered, grabbing his jacket and standing up.

“Sure, that’s a good idea Carisi,” Liv replied before leading you out to her car. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You head home to pack up some clothes and then you and Rafael have a long night in the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Presentation=a success and a long weekend ahead. I keep finding stuff I wrote and never posted...maybe I'll decide to get some of that up soon cause that's how this started....I'm considering writing a little short piece that covers Barba and you meeting but maybe from the perspective of Carmen and Jerome...idk just an idea I had. Alright, I'm gonna stop rambling again haha. Enjoy the chapter and thanks for reading!

“I still should call his mom,” you said softly. You dialed her number and explained everything that was going on, and afterwards got into Liv’s car. 

“So as for what we were discussing earlier, did you tell anyone about the assault close to when it happened?” She asked. 

“I uh, I told Rafael but that was like six months later,” you said softly, “I could barely process it, you know, I was depressed and suicidal. I was terrified to say it outloud,” 

“I understand completely Y/N, you don’t need to explain yourself to me,” the detective said kindly, “We’re all going to watch out for you. I know I don’t have to tell you what a trial is like, but know that telling people what he did to you can be the most liberating part of all of it,” 

“Do you think we could get him for it? If he’s not convicted, what a mess this all will turn into,” you said softly. 

“I think we could. We’ll have to build a strong case though. Did you report him to HR ever or anything like that?” you shook your head at her question. 

“I shut down, completely. Rafael actually jokingly mentioned me transferring to Manhattan, and I just did it. Anything to get away from him,” you explained, wiping at the few tears that managed to escape your eyes, “It was either leave or kill myself, and I was really close to throwing in the towel,” 

“You said he was gentle and he texts you? I wonder if he’s imagined some kind of relationship,” she said softly. You toyed with the hem of your shirt uncomfortably. Even the thought of that made you feel ill. 

“That makes me want to throw up,” you whispered. 

“Well, once Barba feels better, I’m going to talk to him and get his opinion, and we can get a case together before charging Mitchell because God knows we need it to be airtight. Meanwhile, we’ll do our best to keep you away from him,” Liv said with a comforting smile. She let it go after that which you were glad for. You didn’t want to think about your bad memories. “Do you want help?” 

“Sure,” you said softly, showing her up to Rafael’s apartment. You handed her a bag to hold and quickly pulled a few pairs of Rafael’s most comfortable sweatpants out and some old, soft Harvard tee shirts from when he was in college, fuzzy socks, and his boxer briefs. You grabbed a few other things to help him feel more at home, a few of his books, his headphones so he could listen to music, whatever you could think of that would make him feel better. 

“Y/N, maybe you should get some things for yourself,” she suggested gently, rubbing your shoulder softly, 

“You’re right,” you whispered, starting to get things from your own drawers. You found yourself still compulsively grabbing things for Rafael, but you couldn’t help it. Liv didn’t press you on it, instead helping you to pack the couple of changes of clothes that you needed and then driving you to pick up dinner. You started to argue when Liv pulled out her card to pay for the food, but she gave you a look that made you quiet down. 

“Barba is in the hospital, and we don’t mind helping out, now let’s get back,” she said, handing you the bag to carry. When you finally got into his room, he was blearily rubbing his eyes, and sitting up slowly. 

“Hey,” you said softly, coming over to the side of his bed, “Are you hungry?” He looked at you, seemingly confused by your words for just a second, his still half asleep brain struggling to process your question. 

“A little,” he finally whispered in a breathy voice that was still heavy with drowsiness. You brushed some hair out of his face, and grabbed the styrofoam take out box of food that you had ordered for him--Coppelia’s, his favorite. You had made sure to check with the nurse before bringing him food from somewhere else. He looked tired, the bags under his eyes appearing extra dark due to the bruising. “Hey guys,” he said softly, finally noticing Carisi and Liv, “Thanks for visiting,” Sonny looked like he wanted to laugh, but you shot him a glare. 

“Do you need any medicine or anything? How’s your head feel?” you asked softly, pushing a fork into his hand. 

“Fine, fine, just uh, don’t let that nurse come back and take my temperature again,” he said, a small smile on his face. You laughed softly at his small attempt at a joke. He could see how worried you were. “But there is one thing that would make me feel better,” 

“What’s that?” you asked, stroking his arm as he pushed his food around, 

“Can you ask the nurse how long it will be until I can get this catheter out?” he finally asked, just loud enough that you could hear. He was blushing slightly and not meeting your eyes.

“Sure baby, I’ll ask. I brought you some of your own clothes to wear later and books. Your mom is coming to visit tomorrow while I’m at work,” you told him, “And if you need me, just give me a call, and I’ll come right over here,” Rafael smiled softly, finally taking a bite of his food. The pleased look on his face made you happy. You hated seeing him miserable. 

“You’re so good to me,” he said softly, taking a few more bites, “Thank you,” 

“Now you know how I feel all the time, you taking me to Hawaii, buying me coffee, taking care of me. Now it’s my turn,” you said gently, kissing his temple. He shut his eyes for a second, and when he opened them again, they were filled with tears, 

“I never thought--I never thought anyone would love me like you do,” you barely heard it, but it made your blood boil with anger at his father. 

“You’re easy to love Rafael,” you said, giving him a small hug, “I’m going to go talk to the nurse now, why don’t you talk to Liv and Sonny for a bit. Hopefully, you’ll be out of the woods tomorrow and we can get you back home soon,” You kissed him on the lips this time, the spice of his Cuban food mingling with the taste of him. You pulled away, “Good thing I brought your toothbrush,” you teased, laughing when he blushed. One more quick peck of his lips and then you stood up, heading out to find his nurse. You finally caught her rushing towards another patient’s room. “Excuse me?” you said softly. 

“Not right now ma’am,” the woman said, not even turning around to look at you. 

“Hey,” you said, racing after her, “Can I at least talk to you for a second?” you were off put by her rudeness. She finally turned around to face you, 

“I’m a little busy right now Mrs. Barba,” she said, looking at you expectantly, 

“Well if you could come by the room when you’re done, I’d like to ask you a few questions,” you said, not backing down. You understood that she was busy, but she could at least pretend to show some sort of concern for what you needed. 

“Sure, of course, now if you’ll excuse me,” you headed back to Rafael’s room after the curt dismissal, finding him smiling and talking to the detectives while he ate. You stood at the door, enjoying the grin on his face that had been gone the past few days. He was even putting up with Sonny which was more than you could say for some days when he wasn’t feeling horrible. You knew deep down he liked the detective. 

“Get in here and eat,” Rafael called from the bed, some color had returned to his face, but when you sat beside him, his skin was still hot. You stroked his hair gently, wanting to hold him close and chase away all the demons that he had hidden so well. “Y/N, eat dinner,” he said a little more firmly. 

“Rafael, calm down,” you murmured, “I’m not really hungry,” he glared at you for a second before getting a spoonful of rice and beans and bringing it up to your lips. You tried to push his arm away, laughing softly, “Stop it Rafi,” 

“Come on,” he insisted, so you opened your mouth and ate the one bite. “Eat for me. If you don’t, I’m going to be stressing all night,” You glared at him; guilting you into doing what he wanted wasn’t very nice, but you grabbed the food you had ordered and begrudgingly started to eat it anyways. You soon realized that you were in fact hungrier than you’d originally thought, having been in a blind panic earlier because of him. The detectives stayed and chatted while you ate as Rafael dozed off again. You slept awfully on the little chair, but you knew he would feel immensely better if he woke up and saw you there rather than being all alone. 

“Y/N! Y/N?” You were dragged from the slumber you had drifted off into by the sound of a small, desperate voice that sounded nothing like Rafael. The haze of your sleep slowly left, and you opened your eyes to the dim image of your fiancé looking at you. 

“Raf, what’s wrong?” You said softly, rubbing your eyes. He sniffled softly, 

“Come over here please,” you stood up, suddenly worried about what had him so worked up. You slowly sat on the edge of the bed, 

“Hey,” you murmured, taking his hand, “What do you need right now? I’m right here,” 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now,” he whispered. His voice was raspy like he had been sobbing, and he was shivering. 

“Okay, shhh, how are you feeling?” You whispered, and he took a long, shaky breath. 

“My heart is beating so fast, and I feel so panicked. I don’t know why. Why can’t I stop crying,” Rafael said softly. You carefully maneuvered around the tubes and wires that were attached to him and laid on the bed right beside him. You were immensely glad that you had slipped into leggings and an old sweatshirt after talking to the nurse or it would have been even harder to move around. You shifted Rafael around until he was cuddled up in your arms, his cheek resting against your shoulder. You stroked your hand through his hair and held him tight. 

“Cry if you have to Rafa, it’s okay,” you kissed his head, and rocked him through the panic attack. He cried for a while until he finally passed out in your arms. You didn’t want to wake him so you decided you would wait a bit before trying to get up. 

……………………………….

The light flicking on jolted you awake. You rubbed your eyes, squinting to keep the sudden brightness out. Rafael groaned softly from beside you. When you finally got your eyes to open, you saw the nurse standing at the doorway, hands on her hips, but a small smile played on her lips. You carefully tried to pull Rafael’s arms off of you, but he had a vice grip on you. You must have fallen asleep before you could get up. “Rafi, it’s time to get up,” you whispered, gently shaking his shoulder. He swatted at your hand before his eyes finally fluttered open. “Can you let go of me?” He slowly loosened his hold, still seemly trying to wake up. You gingerly climbed off the bed, trying to stretch out your sore muscles from the terribly uncomfortable position you had ended up in. The nurse quickly checked all the wires and tubes, 

“I’m sure you probably had a good reason for that, but if any of this gets pulled out, it could be really bad,” she said gently. 

“I actually didn’t intend to fall asleep there,” you replied. 

“Regardless, it doesn’t matter right now. I’m going to check his vitals and then we should be able to take the catheter out because I’m confident he won’t pass out or have another seizure,” she said kindly. You sighed in relief, he would be so much more comfortable in his own clothes. You held his hand while she took his temperature, stroking his hair and cheek, and then you left the room to give him some privacy as they took the catheter out. When you returned, he looked a little embarrassed, but overall much happier, 

“Can I have my own clothes now?” His voice was small. The nurse smiled kindly and unhooked the IV from the port in his arm before leaving the room. You unpacked the bag you had brought, pulling out some boxer briefs and a pair of sweatpants. Rafael let you help him get the gown off. He pulled on the underwear himself, but he didn’t complain when you helped him into the grey joggers. He sat back down and pulled the soft, maroon harvard shirt over his head while you put his socks on his feet. It was early,—five am—when you got around to looking at your phone, and you were exhausted and dreading leaving him here. The nurse returned and got him all hooked up again to everything. 

“How do you feel baby?” you asked softly, coming to sit on the edge of his bed again. 

“Like shit,” he whispered. You rubbed his arm, 

“Can I help?” you got him to look at you as you asked him the second question. He was moping a bit, dark bags under his eyes. 

“Can you fix my hair at all? I feel ridiculous,” he finally admitted. You nodded softly, pulling his comb from the bag and running it through his hair. You got the tangles out and slicked it back from his eyes. 

“You should hopefully be able to get a shower tonight,” you whispered once your were done, “And your mom should be here soon to keep you company. I brought some books for you and headphones if you want to listen to music on your phone. Text me if you want anything else and I can get it from home before I come back later,” He sighed softly, but reached for your hand, 

“Thank you for this. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” his voice was soft, “I’m sorry I’m so…” he trailed off, 

“Don’t worry about it Rafael, that’s what I’m here for,” you replied, a soft smile playing on your lips, “I know this is hard for you, and I promise it will get better,” 

“I hope so,” he whispered. You looked at him for a few seconds, wondering what a gentle way to suggest counseling was. Not just because of the terrible anxiety he had been exhibiting recently, but also because his doubts about himself and concerns about having children. You didn’t want to push him into anything he was uncomfortable with, but the unnecessary stress and anxiety would be great to get rid of. Maybe therapy would do good for the both of you. “Y/N,” he said softly after a few moments, 

“Yes?” You asked, starting to collect your work clothes so you could get dressed. 

“I-I didn’t tell you about a lot of this before I asked you to marry me and I would understand if—”

“Rafael, don’t you dare even finish that sentence,” you interrupted. You knew exactly where he was going with that because you had practiced the same sentence over and over and over again after telling him about everything with Casey. “I don’t care if you have baggage because I have plenty of my own Rafi. You know that. I love you, and I meant yes when I said it,” he nodded, slightly teary eyed, 

“In uh, in that case, can I have a kiss?” He asked softly. You laughed, leaning down to peck his cheek and then his lips.

“Okay, I’m going to go get dressed, you rest up and call if you need anything. Your mom is supposed to be here in an hour, okay?” You said softly. He nodded, pulled you back for another kiss before letting you go. You changed and headed to work, wishing that you were with Rafael. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have a long day at work and then you visit Rafael at the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there is only one more chapter after this one and then I'm onto the fourth part of the series...wow. I hope there aren't any mistakes in this as I'm exhausted. Tomorrow I have work, but then maybe I can get some sleep...ugh. Anyways I hope you guys enjoy and thanks for taking the time to read.

Liv sent Sonny to spend the day with you again, and it came in handy when Casey came by your office, 

“Hey Y/N,” he said, leaning against the door, “I was right about to get some lunch, wanna join me?” You were tongue tied, where had Sonny disappeared off to again? Your nervousness was almost immediately quelled when the detective appeared behind Mitchell. 

“S’cuse me Counselor,” he said, shoving by the older man, “I got Chinese Y/N,” he said with a smile. 

“You dump Barba finally?” Casey asked softly, a frown on his face, You snorted softly. “I like you playing hard to get doll, I’m not going away,” he left after that, and you felt needed a shower. Your appetite was mostly gone, so you just sat there and poked at your food. 

“You good?” Sonny asked peeking over at you. He wasn’t completely in the loop about what was happening, so you considered telling him about everything. Finally you looked over at him, 

“No Sonny, I’m not good,” you whispered, “Casey assaulted me a year ago, and he won’t leave me alone,” Sonny didn’t say anything for a few minutes, 

“Why didn’t you just say that, I would have kicked his ass. Is that why Barba punched him in the face?” He finally replied. 

“I couldn’t Sonny, I’ve been in such a bad place since then. Rafael literally saved me,” you admitted, “I wish he hadn’t though. Then he wouldn’t be caught up in all this,” you were starting to cry. Your phone started to buzz, saving you from Sonny’s response. Rafael’s name flashed across the screen, accompanied by your favorite picture of the two of you cuddled up on his couch, “Hey Raf, what’s up?” You said softly, trying to stop crying. 

“Cariño, are you okay?” He asked softly. 

“Fine, fine. I uh, I was talking to Sonny about everything,” you explained, sniffling and wiping your eyes, “How are you feeling?” 

“I’ve been better, but uh mom’s here. I read some, thank you for my books. I just wanted to call and hear your voice really. Dr. Sloan just got me some more clonazepam,” he explained, his voice sounding a bit airy and his sentences running together. 

“I can tell,” you laughed, “You should probably get some sleep Rafa, put in some earbuds and take a nap,” you wished you could lay there and stroke his hair until he fell asleep. He obviously had been having some anxiety because they gave him more of his medicine. 

“Okay, will you uh, will you bring dinner when you get off work? I don’t want hospital food,” that got you to laugh. He sounded like himself and it made you feel better, 

“Sure darling,” you said, still laughing. “I’ll get something you like,” 

“Thank you,” he murmured, sounding drowsy, “I love you,” 

“I love you too Rafa, sleep good, and I’ll see you soon, okay,” you replied.

“M’kay,” He whispered before hanging up. You smiled softly, wiping your eyes as you put your phone away. 

“He really loves you ya know,” Sonny said softly. You looked over at him curiously, “I think he wouldn’t trade what you have for anything,” 

“Why do you say that?” You asked softly. Sonny looked at you a bit incredulously. 

“You’re all he talks about when it’s just me and him. Haven’t you seen the way he looks at you? He looks at everyone else one way, but his eyes light up when he sees you or when someone says your name,” the detective replied, “I was talkin to his Mom earlier today cause I went to check on him at the hospital earlier like you asked and she couldn’t believe he had gotten into a fight,” 

“Sometimes I wonder if he’s just with me because he’s a good person,” you said softly, “I want to believe he loves me, but I just have trouble thinking that a man like him could want to be with someone like me,”  

“Barba pretending to love you? That’s hilarious Y/N, he’s got it bad for you,” Sonny assured you, rubbing your arm. You knew he was right, and you knew you should have more faith in Rafael, but it was so hard for you sometimes. It was hard to trust people, it was hard to believe good things about yourself, life had just become a struggle.

“I know Sonny,” you whispered, “I know he does. I know I’m being ridiculous and I know he does,” you hoped if you said it enough, all your insecurities would go away. The last few hours of your day passed pretty quickly, and you exhaustedly let Sonny drive you to a good Italian place that you knew Rafael liked. He had taken you there half a dozen times. After picking up dinner and stopping at home for a fifteen minute shower, you were back at the hospital dressed in comfortable clothes for the evening. Rafael’s eyes were closed, his earbuds in when you walked in. His mother was sitting by his side, reading a book and holding his hand. 

“Y/N,” she said with a smile, standing up and hugging you, 

“Lucia, hey, how is he?” you asked, moving to stroke Rafael’s arm. 

“The nurse said his temperature is down some more. They want to move him out of the ICU when he wakes up,” Lucia replied. You smiled, continuing to run your hand gently across his skin. 

“That’s so good. I uh, I brought you some dinner. You’re welcome to stay as long as you want, and uh, I could give you the key to Rafael’s place if you want a shower. It’s closer than your house,” you offered. 

“No, no, I can come back and visit tomorrow. Thank you for the food though. I’m sure we can catch up over lunch when he’s feeling better. He said he has some news to tell me,” she hugged you again, but left despite your objections. You wouldn’t have minded talking with his mother for a while, but she probably had work tomorrow. Rafael stirred slightly beside you, a soft groan escaping his lips. You smiled when his beautiful eyes finally opened and focused on your face. 

“Hey,” you whispered, brushing his hair back. He shut them again for a second, breathing deeply and scrunching his face up. He finally managed a tiny smile for you, 

“Hi,” he whispered as softly as you had ever heard him speak. You continued to pet his hair, trying to comfort him. You weren’t sure what exactly was wrong at the moment, but you wanted him to feel better. He let out a pleased sound when you scratched his scalp softly. 

“You okay babe?” you asked softly, “You feeling alright?” 

“Better now that you’re here,” he yawned, nuzzling your hand a bit when you stopped moving it. You chuckled and brushed it through his hair again. Sighing, his eyes fluttered shut.

“I brought dinner for you,” you said gently, “But first I heard you’re getting moved to another room?” 

“Yeah, Dr. Sloan said I was doing well enough that I could get out of here,” he replied, leaning against your hand even more. You dropped your hand down to his neck, rubbing over the tense muscles and then his chest. He was shaking slightly, but it took you a moment to realize it was shivering. His skin was ice cold, so you got his hoodie from the chair and helped him into it. 

“Oh Mr. Barba, you’re awake! Let me get the chair and we can move you downstairs,” the nurse exclaimed from the doorway. You laughed softly when Rafael scowled. 

“Do you think we could make it to the elevator before she gets back?” you asked, and Rafael laughed. It was a sweet sound, one that you had missed. “Here, I’ll comb your hair quick before we get moving,” He smiled at that and he did look more comfortable by the time she brought the chair in. You draped a blanket over his legs and collected your things quickly as she began wheeling him toward the elevator. Rafael was silent the whole time, but he held your hand in the elevator. His new room was smaller, but thankfully still private. Once he was settled back in bed, you gave him his pasta which he gratefully started eating. He moaned at the first bite, “That good, huh?” you asked. 

“Oh shut up,” he mumbled, mouth full, “You talk to me after eating jello and cardboard mashed potatoes,” You laughed, having to cover your mouth. He rolled his eyes, but continued eating. 

“Oh good he’s eating,” the nurse said coming into the room, “I had a fun time getting lunch into him earlier. His temp is down, we’re hoping to discharge him in the next few days once he finishes his antibiotics. As for your question earlier, I’d just need to tape some plastic over his arm. Give me a call if you’re interested,” 

“What was that about?” Rafael asked softly, 

“Don’t worry about it right now. Finish your food and then we’ll talk,” you said, opening up a bottle of juice for him to sip at. He didn’t complain, taking a long drink from the bottle before going back to his food. “Slow down over there,” you teased after watching him, “You’re gonna make yourself sick,” He glared but did as you said. By the time you were both finished, it was starting to get dark outside which you could see through his new window. Rafael looked much happier after he was full. You called the nurse in to tape him up, and once there was some plastic over his IV port, you helped him up to his feet, “I have a surprise,” you said, leaning forward and kissing his cheek, 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael's surprise (so there's smut) and then a short visit from the detectives and a conversation with Dr. Sloan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this is it for this part of the series. My next installment should be out soon. I hope you guys enjoy and thanks for all the support so far! I can't wait to show you guys where this is going

“I have a surprise,” you said, leaning forward and kissing his cheek, 

“What—”

“No questions goofball, come on,” you interrupted, holding onto his arm as you walked into the bathroom. “Shower time,” you said with a giant smile. His lips curled up into a lopsided smirk at that and his eyes met yours, a teasing sparkle in them. You hadn’t seen him look like that in the past few days, 

“My big surprise is a shower?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. You gave him a dark, naughty look, leaning in by his ear, 

“No, you’ll have to get in to see what your real surprise is,” the look on his face was priceless. His mouth fell open slightly and then shut, and you weren’t sure if you’d ever seen him get undressed faster. You got the water to a good temperature while he was trying to get his shirt off without messing up the tape on his arm. Sighing softly as you helped him into the shower, he let the water run over his muscles and relax him as you stripped. His eyes were closed, a look of pleasure adorning his face as he stood under the spray. Climbing in so you could get your hands on his skin, you pressed kisses along his jaw and to the juncture between his neck and shoulder. His breath hitched, hands flying up to your shoulders to steady himself. “I know this has sucked, so why don’t you just relax and let me make you feel good baby,” you murmured by his ear. He nodded softly against your neck where he had dropped his head. His hands were shaking as they ran over your sides, the warm flesh tingling under his touch. He sighed against your shoulder, clinging. 

“God, why are you so good to me?” he asked running his fingers over your back and your ass, touching and groping all the skin he could get to. 

“Mmm, Rafa, that’s enough, let’s get you clean first. We gotta keep up the pretense,” you whispered. He laughed, softly but let go. You soaped him up, leaving teasing touches as you went, but effectively lathering the scented soap that you had brought across his body. You massaged shampoo into his scalp, working your fingers through the locks of his hair. He sighed softly. You washed the soap out of his hair before guiding him to sit on the bench and settling on his lap, “What would make you feel good Rafi?” you asked gently, kissing his face and stroking his hair. His hands were running over your skin again, stroking softly and cupping. 

“What are you offering?” he finally replied. 

“As much as I’d like to have sex, I don’t think that’s gonna work in here,” you murmured, “But I could blow you or jack you off,” You could feel him twitching by your thigh. 

“Ungh,” he moaned, gripping onto your hips, “Your mouth, please,” You smiled, kissing him softly. He groaned when your tongue did something particularly delicious. You settled on the ground, nudging his legs wider. Massaging his thighs for a few seconds, you stroked his half hard dick. It pulsed in your hand, growing heavier and harder with each languid pull, his hips rocking minutely to get more friction. You were tempted to tease him, to smile and whisper something about just how greedy he was being, but you knew he desperately needed something to distract him. Finally he was fully erect in your grip, needy little whines that barely even sounded like him coming from Rafael’s lips. He was red and flushed with heat, his lips swollen and puffy. His knuckles were white where they gripped the bench. Soft whines of  _ please, please, please _ filled the air. You didn’t bother wasting time, letting the head of his cock slip past your lips and sucking gently. He let out a long sigh, fingers moving to tangle in your hair. He was hot and heavy on your tongue as you sucked more of him in your mouth. An embarrassingly loud noise escaped his mouth when you swirled your tongue around the head of his dick, the salty tase of precome filling your mouth. You laughed softly, pulling off for just a second, 

“Darling, as much as I love these encouragements, you’re going to have to quiet down just a little,” you whispered. He flushed slightly, but nodded, biting his lip as you went back down on him. His hips began rising to meet your mouth over and over again, so you loosened your lips around him and tried not to gag. One of his hands left your hair, and his hips grew messier and messier. You looked up at him just in time to see him bite down on his knuckles as his face contorted in pleasure. You swallowed as much as you could and spit the rest out to be washed down the drain. Rafael slumped back against the shower wall, panting. You petted his hair softly, wiping him with a little cloth so he wouldn’t feel sticky. You shut the water off, grabbing a towel, “I better dry you off, don’t want you catching a cold,” he seemed drowsy and just grunted in response while you began to wipe the water from his skin. You got him as dry as you could before shaking his shoulder, “Rafi, c’mon babe. You gotta move,” He blinked, finally opening his eyes, 

“I’d rather you just come down here,” he replied. Shaking your head, you continued to tenderly towel him off. He moved around to help you until he finally felt like he could stand up. You handed him the towel to dry his hair. He looked wiped which made you smile to yourself. He had to steady himself on the sink, so you helped him get dressed and brush his hair and teeth and pulled on your own clothes. 

“Do you want me to shave your face?” there was a nice collection of stubble on his face that had been growing a few days. It didn’t look bad, but Rafael tended to prefer a clean shave. 

“No, no, it’s okay,” he whispered, “Besides, I can’t have you cutting up my face,” you smacked his arm, feigning hurt, 

“After all of these nice things I did for you today,” you said, a tad dramatically. Rafael rolled his eyes, but grabbed your arm gently, pulling you close, 

“C’mere and give me a kiss,” he said before dragging you into one, “Thank you. I really, really appreciate all of this,” he whispered. You smiled, kissing him again before getting him into a robe and then back to bed where the nurse hooked him up to his IV again. He fell asleep almost immediately after climbing under the covers which allowed you time to clean up the mess you left in the bathroom. He was snoring when you returned and there were four smiling detectives waiting for you, 

“Hey Y/N,” Sonny said with a big grin, “How’s Barba?” 

“Well, he’s out of the ICU,” you said softly with a smile. You were exhausted, tired of trying to deal with your own problems, tired of poor Rafael being sick, and so so tired of Casey Mitchell. Liv came over beside you, rubbing your arm, 

“You okay?” she asked gently. Your good mood from earlier had somehow turned somber all of the sudden. Wanting to climb in bed with Rafael and curl up against his side, you dropped your head into your hands as you sunk into a seat. 

“Um no, not, not really,” you murmured, starting to sob. Olivia was shushing you softly, assuring you that you were okay, but you physically needed to cry. You were shaking, trying desperately not to completely melt down. “I’m sorry,” you whispered, scrubbing at your eyes. 

“Don’t be sorry,” it was Sonny’s voice. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders, and they both were talking to you gently. You sniffled, “I think you need to get some sleep,” he added softly, “Let me drive you home,”

“No--No, I can’t. Rafi needs me here, and--”

“Okay, shh,” Sonny whispered, “Is this about earlier?” you shook your head, wiping at your eyes, 

“It’s just everything,” you admitted, sniffling, “He’s in the hospital and I can’t with Casey--I can’t handle him right now. I’m so tired of all of it,” a knock on the door interrupted your melt down, 

“Mrs. Barba?” you looked up. It was Dr. Sloan. You furiously wiped at your face, “I can come back,” he offered, but you insisted that it was okay and you could talk now. “I actually have some good news that I’d like to talk to you about,”

“Should I wake him?” you asked softly, but he shook his head, motioning for you to speak with him in the hallway. When you came back, you were smiling and Rafael was awake. 

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked when you came in, “Liv said--” you patted his arm, 

“Don’t worry about me right now. Dr. Sloan said if you can stay under 100 tomorrow, you can come home the next day with oral antibiotics,” you said. Rafael stared at you for a moment before his face broke into a grin. He let you avoid his questions until the detectives left and it was just the two of you. 

“What happened earlier?” he asked softly, “And don’t say nothing because you don’t start crying because of nothing Y/N,” you stared at the ground, 

“I’m so tired of dealing with Mitchell and I hate seeing you in pain. It’s been a long day,” you sighed, letting Rafael take your hand in his, 

“I wish I could hold you right now and kiss you and never let go,” he said softly. You smiled softly, he only ever said things like that to you. To everyone else, Rafael was collected, serious and sarcastic, and he he could be a real asshole, but when he was with you, he was quiet and funny and light hearted, but also so caring and loving and hopelessly romantic. He treated you like you were everything.

…………………..

Rafael sat in the wheelchair with a smile on his face. He had a few bags in his lap. He grinned as he watched you collect the last of his things for the orderly to carry down to the car. He was going home. As you pushed him down the hallway, he couldn’t help but notice he wasn’t so worried about other people seeing him so vulnerable. He didn’t mind it so much that you would be taking care of him for a few more days. All he could bring himself to care about was being with you. Everything else would work itself out somehow. 

**Author's Note:**

> Ah the domesticity, I love it.


End file.
